It's all about Relationships…

Archive for February, 2015

THE SOUND OF COMPASSION

Last night I learned about the sound of compassion. How does compassion sound?  Before you start to laugh or think critically you might consider doing what Einstein did. He declared that everything is energy. Having said that, we squeeze our minds to try to imagine what that really means. It’s very abstract, right? Not easy to do in a society where validation primarily is given to the perceivable world. Anyway, very old wisdom written down in one of the books of the Zohar (Kabbalah) teaches us that the “Aaaaahhhh” sound, felt in the chest by focusing on the heart and chest, has a level of vibration that creates compassion. You just put your hand on your heart and feel it.

From Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer I learned that Shaaaaahhh… is the sound of creation. So that indicates that Ahhh: “compassion” is an integral part of Shaaaahhh. To chant that sound is a great start of the day. Ending the day with Ommmmmm which means gratitude is really lifting up your energy.
Practicing gratitude is a habit that clears negativity and opens up to the state of manifesting our wishes and dreams. Together it hears as: Shaaa-l-ooom which means peace. So this word shalom encompasses the concepts: Creation, Compassion, Gratitude and Peace.

twin pic Compassion practiced intentionally is a very powerful tool. Compassion can be learned. Really. People who do not have compassion usually have a mindset that is filled with inhibiting, negative beliefs, have been raised among detrimental circumstances or have certain mental disorders.
Compassion is a combination of Observation (clean judgment, not criticism) and Unconditional Love.

The power of intention is sufficient to make it work. Focus your mindset, your energy, and voila, it’s felt by the other. We are used to say: “I send you my love, regards, best wishes.” That saying probably stems from a time there was more consciousness about energy in our lives and language. When you feel wronged, hurt or experience other negative feelings, so characteristic in relationships; be compassionate with yourself. Self-compassion is one of the emotional healing tools that is really effective.

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What to do with anger? Heartbased Parenting

Being a parent is not the easiest job but one that can give and teach you a lot if you are ready to learn about yourself and the world. One of the most interesting things I observed is that every parent I meet has that innate trust that he/ she KNOWS what is good parenting. Many parents have as well a deep insecurity that is not easily shown, but by looking closer  clearly reaches the surface.

“It takes a village to raise a child” shows how important the loving wisdom of others can be of support, not the criticism that is so often experienced. Don’t you know those adults who mention that their childhood wasn’t a happy one, they experienced at least one of the parents as tough or abusive, and they had to do a lot of work in therapy to heal and let go of the painful impact and memories. If you meet then the parent(s) of this person they speak very confident about what a great parent they were, because they really liked how their child turned out!

Having that said I am concluding that there are not so many  people who are REALLY happy in this world,  as a result of what was missing and lacking in their education. Heartbased, lovebased parenting was certainly not a general habit. One of the reasons is that traumas and dramatic events occurring in past generations could cause the flow of love in the family to stop. How often do I hear: my mother didn’t love me. The systemic family constellations show often where the entanglement stems from. Healing is then key and often the results are mind blowing and shifting patterns.

The greatest gift we can give our children is  acceptance for who they really are. Unfortunately criticism and punishment is a widely spread way of educating and giving the opposite message. Its just negative and we overrate the impact of environment in the outcome. Fear-based education combined with projection consciously and subconsciously from own traumas and trans-generational traumas are custom.

A high divorce rate is not to blame the divorcees for easily giving  up what seems to be a general saying. No, it is simply because people lack means of how to find happiness and how to handle it if they find it. The shelves with Self-Help books are overloaded. We simply don’t stay for the wrong reasons. But do we know the right ones?

Step 1 is to be loving and kind without judgment. Appreciation for what is and for how anyone appears. Insight of ones own feelings and needs. Compassionate attitude instead of an angry frustrated response. Compassion is an excellent answer on anger. Parenting is about YOU as a parent, how you feel, how you appreciate yourself. healing and releasing your own stuff. Seeing the limitations of your parents as a result of where they came from.
Always connect to what is below the anger, when your child explodes, certainly after checking environmental factors.

If you are more concerned about being treated respectfully by your child and you punish him for expressing frustration not according your standards, then ask yourself: “How do I react when I am angry or frustrated? What do I teach my child? What role model am I?” can we expect a child to handle his emotions better then we do as an adult?2-201_sad_teen_girl_d_b-1024x682

Also, what food is your child getting? Sugar, coloring can be of incredible influence to behavior. I mean, the correlation between eating a mountain of sugar and difficult uncontrollable behavior is just high! Lately I recommended in my practice a parent of a 6-year old hyper active daughter to buy natural snacks without added sugar or additives. She was eating cookies and all kind of sugary snacks after school. Lunch in school is around 11am. Snack time is after school and then the family goes out for diner at 6.  No peaceful  family diner at home, cooked with care and love… Noisy restaurants instead.

Seven hours at least between lunch and diner. That is much too long.

Can you believe that in many elementary schools in Florida candies are given for rewarding “good behavior or grades?” And that in the same schools often recess is taken away??? Is there anybody out there who does not KNOW that children need to move and not put on a chair for hours without physical activity? In Holland children have recess every one and a half hour. Wednesday afternoon off after 12 pm. Play-time… Children deserve a childhood. Childhood means a stress-free play world. It prepares them for a better future.

Read in my next blog the research I am doing about anger and family dynamics in several generations.
WWW.CARLAVANWALSUM.COM

Music for the soul

Yasha Heifetz was a legend with his incredible passionate sound and phenomenal technique. His father, seemingly an advanced violinist played for him Tchaikovsky, and Yasha, 2 years old, would deadly-silent listen. As a trick, somewhere in the Tchaikovsky concerto, to show his sensitive musical ears, the father would pluck one sour note from the strings. At that the kid would let out a squawk of protest and reached through the bars to catch at his fathers coat…

During my first career as a classical flutist I once had a student at my home playing a Mozart flute concert to work on together. The babysitter didn’t show up, so we would see how far we could get with my 6 month old daughter in the room, who was usually very “talkative”… The baby listened while laying down, for at least 30 minutes without making any movement or sound. It’s known that Mozart ‘s music has been proven to help elevate people’s energy and mood levels. I wish that Mozart would be more often broad-casted in certain stores and places…as is often the situation now. Have you ever been for example in Best Buy? The music played there has been proven to do neurological damage. You would rather ran out the store…Corporate tells them to use those tapes, and many people working there told me they felt exhausted after a day from the noise. Why on earth do we spend so much money on science and not implement it in our daily life…

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 http://youtu.be/1xhCdyQ_8Wg

Carl Jung was right…

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Carl Jung was right. He is not only known for developing his Shadow-work and the Personality Archetypes, but also for his brilliant contribution to the phenomenon: Collective Consciousness.
Collective consciousness is about the consciousness of families, tribes and (sub)-groups. One of the characteristics is that one individual’s will-power and personality is influenced subconsciously. You think it’s you who thinks or says such and such, but you really might be aligned or connected to a bigger picture. That bigger picture could include also the connection to experienced traumas by previous generations, which are transferable as is shown also in clinical psychology science and Systemic Work: traumas can be stored in the limbic brain for 3-7 generations.
BertHellingerAn example of collective consciousness is the feeling of being a victim in the present time, even though you have not experienced the dramas yourself. Think about the large groups of people that have suffered tremendously by the actions of others. They seem “not to get over it”. The wounds are too big. I believe that reconciliation,taking responsibility and apologizing from the heart, doesn’t get anywhere unless the mourning and pain is felt by the perpetrators.

Or in other words, the balance between the two people isn’t restored. The scale is still very uneven. Interpretations of life events are influenced by that collective consciousness. The Systemic Work of Dr. Bert Hellinger is an excellent method that can reveal, release and often heal those traces of the past.

Next workshop: 2/22 2015 Boca raton

                 

Give and what about recieve?

Jen, a client, came into my office totally upset. Her partner didn’t want to join her today in the session. He was angry because of what Jen said to him, and he was “done”.  At least, that’s the excuse he used.  “I told him that he was a real narcissist and that he listened too much to his ego and never to me.”
“Well, if you attack him, for sure he won’t listen to you.  First, never express your frustration by attacking someone. You bring in attack and defense mechanisms from the courtroom; this is not a great arena for compassionate relationships. When attacked, no one will listen to what is really hidden behind the words… There is no compassionate, heartfelt connection at that moment.  Second, if you are hurt do not hurt back, but EXPRESS your feelings and needs.”

Unfortunately, hurting back is the technique that most of us have learned. If we are hurt, we hurt back, hoping that the other person really would understand us now and would finally get why we are so upset. Forget it, it doesn’t work like that. It just alienates us even more from each other. Yes it is very difficult if you are not heard, and if others walk away without telling you their true feelings or ideas. Unfortunately people are so hurt and wounded by life experiences that many hide behind their ego, and are so afraid to show their true feelings. Or worse, they deny themselves greatness out of fear of being hurt in the future.
Love and fear are opposites. Ego, not the Freudian concept but the more metaphysical vision, is the companion of fear and provides us with thoughts to protect us, but from what? Everything that comes from the ego is NEVER love-based. And fear? To live fearless is what most of us want, but hardly anyone really knows how to do that. 
“Jen, even ifyour partner would have serious signs of narcissism, it will help you to realize that narcissism is covering  a deep absence of self-love and appreciation, predominantly  the result of insufficient nurturing and the lack of love and acceptance for who you are during the first years of life. Unhealed issues and traumatic events of parents can also easily be taken over by our little ones. “

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“Do not take it personally!”

“Do not take it personally!”

Really?  No one to blame? Is it THEIR stuff?
One of the tools that contributes to personal happiness is this quote from Don Miquel Ruiz: “Do not take it personally!”
It is a very simple phrase that contains much wisdom. As adults we can choose to relearn communication, free of blaming, manipulation and guilt trips. We can choose to awaken and practice kindness, compassion and loving acceptance in our thoughts and behavior. We reframe our conscious mind with clarity, undo and release habitual thinking patterns stored in our Epigenetics, our “emotional DNA”, and we become aware of the energy of words.
We learn to shift gears if we tell ourselves that we do not take it personally when someone brings us out of balance, hurts or blames us. On top of that we learn to honor our needs. The compassionate model of Non-violent Communication /Crystal Clear Communication that I teach couples and families supports the clear observation which includes no criticism, comparison nor judgment.   To identify ones feelings as a response to unmet needs makes that one takes responsibility for his own unmet needs, instead of putting that on the lap of another person.  That means that you first have to become more aware of what feelings and what needs are connected.
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