Generational Patterns /Transferred Traumas/Epigenetics
“My husband sometimes cheats on me, he says that he really loves me and doesn’t want to divorce, and it just drives me crazy!” Linda looked at me with deep sadness. “Did he lose a parent at a young age?” This is usually the first question I ask with these kind of matters. Why? Because as Bert Hellinger (Hellinger 2001) so greatly explained, “when a child loses a parent, he is not strong enough to bear the grief and sadness. Instead the child reacts with anger.“ Anger can be seen as aggression as well. The message that the child gets is also that of “If s/he really loved me s/he would have stayed. “ A young child doesn’t have a true understanding of what death or even loss through divorce means. As a result, they take these events personally. “Yes!” Linda said, “He was four years old when his dad died in a car accident. And his mom died three years later of an illness…at the same age her own mom died.” I believe that the response of a child can be that they subconsciously make the decision to not love deeply again in order to avoid getting hurt. In general, humans are afraid of pain. A closed heart is the result. Yet, the desire for love and being loved is a human force, but often is enmeshed with fear for loss or rejection. That impacts future intimate relationships. The method I use can bring light to where the “cheating” behavior is emanating from. Is it a one generational problem or a pattern from ancestors? Or does it have other personality-related roots?
Art: Irene Muller Schoof