It's all about Relationships…

Archive for the ‘Adoption’ Category

NO LABELS FOR DIVORCE PLEASE!

Eight years ago I divorced without a lawyer. To ease the difficulties  I used energy psychology tools which really helped. Because there were 3 children involved, there was a mandatory 3 hour mediation session. A very nice and capable woman, also psychologist, showed up and we all were pleased how the session went. A little while ago I bumped into her at a party and I said: “You know, everything turned out so well, my ex and I have a very cordial relationship  and the children are doing great and do not have any significant emotional scars or issues as a result from the divorce whatsoever.”  She paused, and looked deep into my eyes and said “Carla,… they ALWAYS get scarred by divorce”. I answered “No , that is called LIFE!”
Difficult life experiences  are opportunities for growth and  learning  that enrich and strengthen us. These experiences shape us to be better people. We can choose to heal that victim feeling.
The tendency to label every issue as a disorder or disease bothers me. The DSM V (Diagnostic Statistic Manual)  is thicker than ever. I totally don’t deny there are many real mental diseases, of course there are.

However, identifying everything with labels free the path to take a pill instead of looking for other solutions. It makes you victim of a situation.
It degrades human capacity to overcome life-events. It becomes: “My depression” (you own it!)  instead of: “I’m having feelings of depression and I’m going to work on it.”
I AM depressed” and “MY depression” is telling your subconscious  that that is who you are. It’s keeping you stuck. The conscious and subconscious mind influence our state of well-being. It is better to say: “I have feelings of depression and I am getting better and better everyday.” “I am willing to find any possible way to feel happier”.

In my bereavement group where people face at the end of their lives severe loss of a lifelong partner, a situation where it is not easy to find new purpose and hope, often they refuse any psychotropic drugs and say: “I have to live with it. I am working on it”. I am often very impressed with the personal strength and courage that is showing up. Some open up to spiritual viewpoints they hadn’t done fore a lifetime. They focus on gratitude, on blessings, on taking steps to make new friends. They feel that medication is dis-empowering them. And think about it, medication numbs your feelings, but also compassion and conscience! Practicing compassion for self and others is a helpful tool to feel better and doesn’t work with heavily medicated people.
happy woman 3A label  shows just a small part of who we are.

Feeling depressed is an opportunity to step into ones power, and be the CAUSE instead of the EFFECT.  Of course some depressions require medication. But hearing how many Americans talk, the advertisements on TV,  I can’t help but compare with Europe, where people rarely use medication for simple mental issues.
To get to a better place means to choose different thoughts. In addition to that, (thinking positive is never wrong!) it is also important to check if there are no transferred generational traumas that play a part. A depression can belong to the suffering of (one of) your ancestors. Energy Psychology, Family Constellations offer such effective ways to obtain information from what is stored in our sub-conscious, and often create the shift and release. Want to know more? You can do it privately, schedule a session  or join us at our Next workshop!

Do you worry?

 

  • Are you willing to stop worrying about what the world wants from you and willing to make it your job and your life purpose to fully live, love and feel every precious moment of your life? (Not easy, right?)
  • Did you ever realize that “worrying” is a HABIT, most often inherited from your family? Imagine, your ancestors might have experienced extreme violence, even for centuries. Then they moved to the USA to be free. Today your family lives in a relatively safe situation. But the habit of worrying can still exist. Even if there’s nothing to worry about.
  • Do you realize that by living in  FEAR  your stamina gets low, your immune system is negatively effected and your serotonin productivity is inhibited?happy woman 3

If you are one of those “worriers”, here are some tips. Challenge yourself with questions. “Is it really necessary to worry about this?” “What am I achieving by doing so?” “How would I feel if I would let go of all those thoughts that don’t serve me but stress me out?”
Rebuild TRUST. In our science based way of thinking, TRUST is a vague energy that we cannot “prove”. Only with metaphysical concepts can this be understood.
But most of us KNOW that TRUST is FELT. It is a feeling, an energy that makes us thrive. A relationship without TRUST is over. Or at least the positive part of it is. Without TRUST in our abilities we cannot thrive. And actually one of the most effective and simple phrases that soothes fear for all ages and in many situations, is “ALL IS WELL”.
These 3 words help to calm the energy around and within you. When in fear, don’t take action. Clear your thoughts, and choose deliberately other thoughts. Empower yourself!

Trusting all is well within your world,

3 Tips for Loving, Happy Relationships

“Appreciation of our diversity”, I wish that would be a class in school. It would prepare us at least partially for our future relationships with ourselves and with others. Competition divides us and is a killer for friendships and relationships. The trend to look at “winners and losers” by validating the “winner” much more than the “loser” doesn’t teach our children compassion or respect. That is quite contradicting to the call or request for respect which is so often expressed. In intimate relationships and with parenting styles criticism, comparison and judgment of behavior – especially when our needs aren’t met- is rather rule then exception. One key for happy relationships is feeling totally accepted for who you are. When people are in love, they tend to see only the good in the other. That’s not only because they don’t see “reality” (whose reality is it anyway), they just focus on the beauty of the other. If the critical mind awakes, usually the energy shifts..sadly enough. Why not to stay for ever in that state of bliss?

Interpretation and perception are great misleads and problem causes in all relationships. There is not ONE reality, but we all perceive the same ONE reality differently. That’s because we bring into our scopes our past and our beliefs. We also have intuition and we sense vibrations from others. So, how do we interpret these? Well, without connecting to criticism, some people you just might stay away from. You can still respect and validate them, but protect yourself from vibes you don’t align or feel good with… In respecting the other person as he/she is, that makes us feel much more pleasant than when we are in the “I’m right you’re wrong” discussions… Your opinion isn’t better, its only different. For example the “You are lazy” accusation tells more about the needs of the speaker than the true intentions of the one that is most likely relaxing. Yes,this is pure interpretation. Clear observation is the best guidance for true understanding and eventually can lead to acceptance. That doesn’t include that violence is permitted. It never is.

From a closed heart to an open heart As traumatic hurtful experiences can play a destructive part in the rest of our life if we don’t take steps to heal and release, so can multi-generational misery or Epigenetics conduct our life as well. It’s not only learned behavior that makes us act towards our partner like how our parents treated each other. How free are our choices for behavior really? Trauma keeps its power until healed and released, like negativity is surpassed by positivity. Little wounds leave little scars, while big wounds leave big scars. When the pain is large, we can decide to close our heart for love to protect ourselves from being hurt again or the bitterness takes over and causes us to close ourselves off. All of us know people who are perceived as “cold”. Did you know that violence, rape and arranged marriages without love could stop the flow of love through the future generations? The systemic work I do traces the path back to that cause. This work offers a new perspective and understanding of the bigger picture. It simultaneously offers forgiveness and honors what needs to be brought to light and opened up for love again. If your life unfolds in ways you don’t understand, whether its about lack of success in work, divorce issues with you or your children, adoption, depression or anxiety, try this workshop: “Discover the Hidden Information in Your Energy”

2hearts entangled

carlavanwalsum.com

What to do with anger? Heartbased Parenting

Being a parent is not the easiest job but one that can give and teach you a lot if you are ready to learn about yourself and the world. One of the most interesting things I observed is that every parent I meet has that innate trust that he/ she KNOWS what is good parenting. Many parents have as well a deep insecurity that is not easily shown, but by looking closer  clearly reaches the surface.

“It takes a village to raise a child” shows how important the loving wisdom of others can be of support, not the criticism that is so often experienced. Don’t you know those adults who mention that their childhood wasn’t a happy one, they experienced at least one of the parents as tough or abusive, and they had to do a lot of work in therapy to heal and let go of the painful impact and memories. If you meet then the parent(s) of this person they speak very confident about what a great parent they were, because they really liked how their child turned out!

Having that said I am concluding that there are not so many  people who are REALLY happy in this world,  as a result of what was missing and lacking in their education. Heartbased, lovebased parenting was certainly not a general habit. One of the reasons is that traumas and dramatic events occurring in past generations could cause the flow of love in the family to stop. How often do I hear: my mother didn’t love me. The systemic family constellations show often where the entanglement stems from. Healing is then key and often the results are mind blowing and shifting patterns.

The greatest gift we can give our children is  acceptance for who they really are. Unfortunately criticism and punishment is a widely spread way of educating and giving the opposite message. Its just negative and we overrate the impact of environment in the outcome. Fear-based education combined with projection consciously and subconsciously from own traumas and trans-generational traumas are custom.

A high divorce rate is not to blame the divorcees for easily giving  up what seems to be a general saying. No, it is simply because people lack means of how to find happiness and how to handle it if they find it. The shelves with Self-Help books are overloaded. We simply don’t stay for the wrong reasons. But do we know the right ones?

Step 1 is to be loving and kind without judgment. Appreciation for what is and for how anyone appears. Insight of ones own feelings and needs. Compassionate attitude instead of an angry frustrated response. Compassion is an excellent answer on anger. Parenting is about YOU as a parent, how you feel, how you appreciate yourself. healing and releasing your own stuff. Seeing the limitations of your parents as a result of where they came from.
Always connect to what is below the anger, when your child explodes, certainly after checking environmental factors.

If you are more concerned about being treated respectfully by your child and you punish him for expressing frustration not according your standards, then ask yourself: “How do I react when I am angry or frustrated? What do I teach my child? What role model am I?” can we expect a child to handle his emotions better then we do as an adult?2-201_sad_teen_girl_d_b-1024x682

Also, what food is your child getting? Sugar, coloring can be of incredible influence to behavior. I mean, the correlation between eating a mountain of sugar and difficult uncontrollable behavior is just high! Lately I recommended in my practice a parent of a 6-year old hyper active daughter to buy natural snacks without added sugar or additives. She was eating cookies and all kind of sugary snacks after school. Lunch in school is around 11am. Snack time is after school and then the family goes out for diner at 6.  No peaceful  family diner at home, cooked with care and love… Noisy restaurants instead.

Seven hours at least between lunch and diner. That is much too long.

Can you believe that in many elementary schools in Florida candies are given for rewarding “good behavior or grades?” And that in the same schools often recess is taken away??? Is there anybody out there who does not KNOW that children need to move and not put on a chair for hours without physical activity? In Holland children have recess every one and a half hour. Wednesday afternoon off after 12 pm. Play-time… Children deserve a childhood. Childhood means a stress-free play world. It prepares them for a better future.

Read in my next blog the research I am doing about anger and family dynamics in several generations.
WWW.CARLAVANWALSUM.COM

5th Step: Living a Life of Love

“I have three young kids” said a friendly woman voice when she called me a while ago. “I want to be the best possible loving mother, and I think I am doing quite well. Though, my own mother (Louise) has always been aloof and cold towards me, as  her own mother was to her. I do not want my children to continue with these patterns and dynamics and I would like to see what I can do about that in your next “Life’s Hidden Truths Workshop” (Family Constellations).
Well, she came and the work showed clearly that the mother of my client, Louise, who was not present herself, felt disconnected and aloof from her family. In other words: Love wasn’t flowing. Apparently it became clear that  Louise was very connected to her grandmother. When I asked my client what happened in their lives, she remembered that her grandmother was the daughter of a native American woman who had 5 children from a white American man. Louise became extremely emotional when Native Americans and White Americans as a group were positioned. She run over to the Native Americans and  was overwhelmed with grief.
The history was as follows: One night a few men from the village came down to rape and murder the grandmother of Louise  and put the house on fire. Her 5 children were “watching.” Imagine what a tremendous trauma this must have been for them. With such experiences children can take the decision, subconsciously, that LOVE is frightening and that they rather don’t want to love at all anymore, a decision which has a deep impact on the soul. To avoid such terrible pain one  “closes” his/her heart. To be a child from two worlds, cultures who were each other’s enemies, is a schizophrenic situation.  A perpetrator and victim united in one person. Louise seemed to have identified  with her grandmother on a deeper level. This  loyalty to family members who came before us is not unusual. Acknowledging and honoring the wounds and suffering can open the gates to the flow of love. There is no resolution in forgiving in the name of others, that is not on us.
According to clinical psychology science traumas are stored in the limbic brain for about three generations. Traumas are nothing else than energy fields, present as a block in our system. There are several ways to release traumas. This constellation showed the hidden dynamics and a shift took place. A year later my client called me to say that the relationship improved quite a lot between her and Louise. Working with the energy fields of the family: the impact can be a huge shift and far reaching.

Living a life of Love: What you focus on expands. Acknowledge what runs in your sub and unconscious that might be negative or harming you, and release all that in order to be balanced and  being the authentic, fearless real you! The bonus is that you will be more happy, authentic, fearless and healthy!

http://www.carlavanwalsum.com http://lifeshiddentruths.com

4th Step: Living a Life of Love

“I am afraid he might cheat on me…” said 20 year old Melissa,  looking at me a little sad. “This is one of my anxieties” she added. “What makes you think he would do that?” “Well, it happened to me once before, and my dad did it to my mom. They are very good friends now, but they divorced because of it.”  I explained Melissa that these experiences need to be healed before you are ready to enter into a new relationship. If you walk around with such fears, chances are big that you will attract a guy that will fit in that picture. The fear in your energy field is felt, unconsciously though, by others. Such a thought can also become a self-fulfilling prophecy. “Did your dad lose a parent in his childhood?” “His parents divorced when he was young and his step-dad became his “father-figure,” Melissa answered.” Ok, if a young child, under the age of 10 or so, loses a parent whether by death or a separation, that child will take that personally,” If (s)he would have loved me, (s)he would have staid. “ Children do not have the capacity for an intellectual understanding of  death or a divorce or alike. So, deep down a trauma is formed, and often issues with bonding occur later in life. The reason for bonding issues is that fear of losing a loved one is so big,- the fear for being hurt, – that it is considered “safe” to either not bond deeply or not being able to take in the love that is offered. Also the result can be a lifelong searching for love and we tend to call that cheating, when that happens in a relationship, marriage. The society condemns “cheating” heavily because it is so painful for the other partner.  It helps though, to soften that pain if you do not take it personally, how difficult that might seem to be. Sometimes there is a deep hidden loyalty to the father who had promiscuous behavior. We tend to follow the footsteps of our parents.  The loyalty to our family is deep, even though there might be very troubled situations. Family Constellations, no-not astrology! show the hidden dynamics in the family field, morphogenetic fields, and offer opportunity to rapid shifts in burdens of past experiences. I ended up doing some healing work with Melissa, which helped her detach from limiting beliefs and fears, healing the hurt deep within, feeling relieved  and happier afterwards.  As a result, she asked her doctor if she could stop using anti depression medication and in the few weeks after our 3 sessions she lost several pounds automatically. Gaining weight can be a way to protect yourself… Now Melissa  is looking forward to her next date!

Living a life of Love: What you focus on expands. Acknowledge what runs in your sub and unconscious that might be negative or harming you, and release all that in order to be balanced and  being the authentic, fearless real you! The bonus is that you will attract the truthful relationship that you deserve, either deepening the existing one or a new one.

Adoption and then what…

It seems so easy. You are pregnant, you cannot keep or don’t want the +baby, and several people (who have a monetary or other interests) are suggesting or pressuring you to give up the baby for adoption ‘because there are wonderful parents waiting to give your child a great life’. Really? For sure, there ARE wonderful parents who are adopting children that need a home. No bad word about that! Often those kids are filling a hole in the childless marriages of those people. All that love and care they recieve from those parents is a GREAT gift.

However, babies are grown in the whom of their own mother. And giving away by birth is a deep felt Trauma with life-long consequences, with often a theme of BONDING issues and a doubtful SELF-ESTEEM. Poor birth mothers who have been forced to give their babies away, they are traumatized for life.
A baby is not a THING. A baby is a human that doesnt speak but does feel, experiences and is totally aware. Babies are part of a family, they belong to the bigger picture of a family soul: an energy field that contains genes and epigenetics; the collection of experiences in the lives of +ancestors. Clinical Psychology could prove it so well: yes, trauma’s of past generations, at least 3, are stored in the Limbic brain. And the characteristic of traumas, epigenetics, are that they influence your life if they are not healed. Jewish toddlers in Europe, that have been given away to strangers to rescue them from being deported to concentration camps show often, as do their children, disturbances in bonding and relationships..
Negative thoughts and opinions stored in the mind of Adoptive-parents about the biological+Parents can create lifelong bonding issues for the child, who HEARD and FELT those opinions. An unconscious made choice can result in staying loyal on a deep level to their birth mother/parents or staying angry towards them for the rest of their entire life, OR are so loyal to the adoptive parent that a deep resentment to their own family of origen is a result.

Children are not for sale. Also, happiness is not for sale. The greatness of adopting a child that is in need for care is a beautiful, beautiful deed, often really lifesaving, however complicated as well.
A Non-judgmental and respectful attitude to the birth parents, regardless their situation as a result of how life treated them, and a loving attitude for each involved is imperative for the child’s well being and are extremely important ingredients.
Adoption is an act of extremities: powerful loving care vs deep powerless loss.
Impressive healing is often witnessed in a Family Constellation, bringing peace and balance back in the families, in the birth as well in the adoptive families.

http://www.carlavanwalsum.com http://www.lifeshidddentruths.com

Tag Cloud