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Hidden loyalties and procastination

Everyone has hidden loyalties. This is such an important topic! I will share a little bit, and explain much more, in the upcoming workshop and video that will be posted on FB and YouTube.
We all have loyalties to our belief-systems, family members, siblings, ethnicities, nations, grandparents, to the suffering of our ancestors, or to groups of people we may be unaware of.
Loyalty, in and of itself, is an extremely important trait in relationships, but as family constellations reveals, it is often connected to self-sabotage. It starts with our loyalty to the ones who gave us life.
Today, so many women  live their passion and follow their dreams by creating their own businesses and offering wonderful services. They often live totally different lives then their mothers did. They have  more freedom of choices in many areas of life.
However, many times they are not where they would like to be financially .
They remain stuck in fear thinking such as ‘not-making/having-enough-money’, despite practicing all kinds of Law of Attraction and Client Attraction programs. Those programs ONLY work (really well) if the underlying belief systems and stored generational experiences are also cleared up.

Constellation work shows over and over again, how hidden loyalties are the cause of limitations in specific areas of life.
It may be difficult to be happier in your marriage, when your mother was not happy, or did not have a husband.  To be wealthier and more successful than your father ever was can become an obstacle for the son or daughter, of course the sabotage is predominantly subconscious.

The loyalty to belong, the desire to be unconditionally loved, as well as many more reasons, can block us in one or more areas. Let’s be clear: today it is a very popular to  talk about “clearing blocks”. But first you have to know WHERE those blocks are coming from, and WHY they exist.
Peel off the layers of our systems, like peeling an onion.
Want to know more?
Do you want to get clarity WHY things are the way they show up in your life, or your child’s, or partner’s life?

COME TO A WORKSHOP OR  BOOK A  15 MINUTE FREE SESSION: http://carlavanwalsum.com/services1/

 

 

NO LABELS FOR DIVORCE PLEASE!

Eight years ago I divorced without a lawyer. To ease the difficulties  I used energy psychology tools which really helped. Because there were 3 children involved, there was a mandatory 3 hour mediation session. A very nice and capable woman, also psychologist, showed up and we all were pleased how the session went. A little while ago I bumped into her at a party and I said: “You know, everything turned out so well, my ex and I have a very cordial relationship  and the children are doing great and do not have any significant emotional scars or issues as a result from the divorce whatsoever.”  She paused, and looked deep into my eyes and said “Carla,… they ALWAYS get scarred by divorce”. I answered “No , that is called LIFE!”
Difficult life experiences  are opportunities for growth and  learning  that enrich and strengthen us. These experiences shape us to be better people. We can choose to heal that victim feeling.
The tendency to label every issue as a disorder or disease bothers me. The DSM V (Diagnostic Statistic Manual)  is thicker than ever. I totally don’t deny there are many real mental diseases, of course there are.

However, identifying everything with labels free the path to take a pill instead of looking for other solutions. It makes you victim of a situation.
It degrades human capacity to overcome life-events. It becomes: “My depression” (you own it!)  instead of: “I’m having feelings of depression and I’m going to work on it.”
I AM depressed” and “MY depression” is telling your subconscious  that that is who you are. It’s keeping you stuck. The conscious and subconscious mind influence our state of well-being. It is better to say: “I have feelings of depression and I am getting better and better everyday.” “I am willing to find any possible way to feel happier”.

In my bereavement group where people face at the end of their lives severe loss of a lifelong partner, a situation where it is not easy to find new purpose and hope, often they refuse any psychotropic drugs and say: “I have to live with it. I am working on it”. I am often very impressed with the personal strength and courage that is showing up. Some open up to spiritual viewpoints they hadn’t done fore a lifetime. They focus on gratitude, on blessings, on taking steps to make new friends. They feel that medication is dis-empowering them. And think about it, medication numbs your feelings, but also compassion and conscience! Practicing compassion for self and others is a helpful tool to feel better and doesn’t work with heavily medicated people.
happy woman 3A label  shows just a small part of who we are.

Feeling depressed is an opportunity to step into ones power, and be the CAUSE instead of the EFFECT.  Of course some depressions require medication. But hearing how many Americans talk, the advertisements on TV,  I can’t help but compare with Europe, where people rarely use medication for simple mental issues.
To get to a better place means to choose different thoughts. In addition to that, (thinking positive is never wrong!) it is also important to check if there are no transferred generational traumas that play a part. A depression can belong to the suffering of (one of) your ancestors. Energy Psychology, Family Constellations offer such effective ways to obtain information from what is stored in our sub-conscious, and often create the shift and release. Want to know more? You can do it privately, schedule a session  or join us at our Next workshop!

Do you worry?

 

  • Are you willing to stop worrying about what the world wants from you and willing to make it your job and your life purpose to fully live, love and feel every precious moment of your life? (Not easy, right?)
  • Did you ever realize that “worrying” is a HABIT, most often inherited from your family? Imagine, your ancestors might have experienced extreme violence, even for centuries. Then they moved to the USA to be free. Today your family lives in a relatively safe situation. But the habit of worrying can still exist. Even if there’s nothing to worry about.
  • Do you realize that by living in  FEAR  your stamina gets low, your immune system is negatively effected and your serotonin productivity is inhibited?happy woman 3

If you are one of those “worriers”, here are some tips. Challenge yourself with questions. “Is it really necessary to worry about this?” “What am I achieving by doing so?” “How would I feel if I would let go of all those thoughts that don’t serve me but stress me out?”
Rebuild TRUST. In our science based way of thinking, TRUST is a vague energy that we cannot “prove”. Only with metaphysical concepts can this be understood.
But most of us KNOW that TRUST is FELT. It is a feeling, an energy that makes us thrive. A relationship without TRUST is over. Or at least the positive part of it is. Without TRUST in our abilities we cannot thrive. And actually one of the most effective and simple phrases that soothes fear for all ages and in many situations, is “ALL IS WELL”.
These 3 words help to calm the energy around and within you. When in fear, don’t take action. Clear your thoughts, and choose deliberately other thoughts. Empower yourself!

Trusting all is well within your world,

THE SOUND OF COMPASSION

Last night I learned about the sound of compassion. How does compassion sound?  Before you start to laugh or think critically you might consider doing what Einstein did. He declared that everything is energy. Having said that, we squeeze our minds to try to imagine what that really means. It’s very abstract, right? Not easy to do in a society where validation primarily is given to the perceivable world. Anyway, very old wisdom written down in one of the books of the Zohar (Kabbalah) teaches us that the “Aaaaahhhh” sound, felt in the chest by focusing on the heart and chest, has a level of vibration that creates compassion. You just put your hand on your heart and feel it.

From Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer I learned that Shaaaaahhh… is the sound of creation. So that indicates that Ahhh: “compassion” is an integral part of Shaaaahhh. To chant that sound is a great start of the day. Ending the day with Ommmmmm which means gratitude is really lifting up your energy.
Practicing gratitude is a habit that clears negativity and opens up to the state of manifesting our wishes and dreams. Together it hears as: Shaaa-l-ooom which means peace. So this word shalom encompasses the concepts: Creation, Compassion, Gratitude and Peace.

twin pic Compassion practiced intentionally is a very powerful tool. Compassion can be learned. Really. People who do not have compassion usually have a mindset that is filled with inhibiting, negative beliefs, have been raised among detrimental circumstances or have certain mental disorders.
Compassion is a combination of Observation (clean judgment, not criticism) and Unconditional Love.

The power of intention is sufficient to make it work. Focus your mindset, your energy, and voila, it’s felt by the other. We are used to say: “I send you my love, regards, best wishes.” That saying probably stems from a time there was more consciousness about energy in our lives and language. When you feel wronged, hurt or experience other negative feelings, so characteristic in relationships; be compassionate with yourself. Self-compassion is one of the emotional healing tools that is really effective.

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What to do with anger? Heartbased Parenting

Being a parent is not the easiest job but one that can give and teach you a lot if you are ready to learn about yourself and the world. One of the most interesting things I observed is that every parent I meet has that innate trust that he/ she KNOWS what is good parenting. Many parents have as well a deep insecurity that is not easily shown, but by looking closer  clearly reaches the surface.

“It takes a village to raise a child” shows how important the loving wisdom of others can be of support, not the criticism that is so often experienced. Don’t you know those adults who mention that their childhood wasn’t a happy one, they experienced at least one of the parents as tough or abusive, and they had to do a lot of work in therapy to heal and let go of the painful impact and memories. If you meet then the parent(s) of this person they speak very confident about what a great parent they were, because they really liked how their child turned out!

Having that said I am concluding that there are not so many  people who are REALLY happy in this world,  as a result of what was missing and lacking in their education. Heartbased, lovebased parenting was certainly not a general habit. One of the reasons is that traumas and dramatic events occurring in past generations could cause the flow of love in the family to stop. How often do I hear: my mother didn’t love me. The systemic family constellations show often where the entanglement stems from. Healing is then key and often the results are mind blowing and shifting patterns.

The greatest gift we can give our children is  acceptance for who they really are. Unfortunately criticism and punishment is a widely spread way of educating and giving the opposite message. Its just negative and we overrate the impact of environment in the outcome. Fear-based education combined with projection consciously and subconsciously from own traumas and trans-generational traumas are custom.

A high divorce rate is not to blame the divorcees for easily giving  up what seems to be a general saying. No, it is simply because people lack means of how to find happiness and how to handle it if they find it. The shelves with Self-Help books are overloaded. We simply don’t stay for the wrong reasons. But do we know the right ones?

Step 1 is to be loving and kind without judgment. Appreciation for what is and for how anyone appears. Insight of ones own feelings and needs. Compassionate attitude instead of an angry frustrated response. Compassion is an excellent answer on anger. Parenting is about YOU as a parent, how you feel, how you appreciate yourself. healing and releasing your own stuff. Seeing the limitations of your parents as a result of where they came from.
Always connect to what is below the anger, when your child explodes, certainly after checking environmental factors.

If you are more concerned about being treated respectfully by your child and you punish him for expressing frustration not according your standards, then ask yourself: “How do I react when I am angry or frustrated? What do I teach my child? What role model am I?” can we expect a child to handle his emotions better then we do as an adult?2-201_sad_teen_girl_d_b-1024x682

Also, what food is your child getting? Sugar, coloring can be of incredible influence to behavior. I mean, the correlation between eating a mountain of sugar and difficult uncontrollable behavior is just high! Lately I recommended in my practice a parent of a 6-year old hyper active daughter to buy natural snacks without added sugar or additives. She was eating cookies and all kind of sugary snacks after school. Lunch in school is around 11am. Snack time is after school and then the family goes out for diner at 6.  No peaceful  family diner at home, cooked with care and love… Noisy restaurants instead.

Seven hours at least between lunch and diner. That is much too long.

Can you believe that in many elementary schools in Florida candies are given for rewarding “good behavior or grades?” And that in the same schools often recess is taken away??? Is there anybody out there who does not KNOW that children need to move and not put on a chair for hours without physical activity? In Holland children have recess every one and a half hour. Wednesday afternoon off after 12 pm. Play-time… Children deserve a childhood. Childhood means a stress-free play world. It prepares them for a better future.

Read in my next blog the research I am doing about anger and family dynamics in several generations.
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