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Archive for the ‘Systemic Family Constellations, Relationships, Counseling, Emotional Healing, Children, Family, Psychotherapy, Phenomenological Constellations, Past/Future, Law of Attraction,’ Category

 I have never met you…When the presence of absence is felt. A Holocaust Constellation

I have never met you…When the presence of absence is felt. A Family Constellation/Holocaust

When because of war or other disasters many family members are killed or perished, the family members who survived, even though they might have never met the others, can often feel the absence of their presence. Family Constellations show that, unexpectedly, identification can occur with one or more dead family members. We all are part of a so-called ‘Family-Soul’; a sort of collective consciousness, an intelligence that encompasses the evolution and nature of the family over several generations. A different way of saying is that clinical psychology science shows that traumas can reverberate through approximately 7 generations.

Those who belong to the Family Soul are the children, parents and their siblings, (great) grandparents, and anyone who has been excluded from the family system ( i.e. excluded, rejected members who were called ’bad’, former spouses, stillborn and aborted children).When we bring them back into the system by acknowledging and honoring them, we see that Constellations are a very effective way to restore harmony in the family. Members who didn’t talk to each other for years, suddenly call  a few days after a constellation.

Even brief constellations, can provide clarity in a wide  variety of issue, often within  a few minutes.. 

She looks at me, a bit insecure. “I don’t know if this makes sense to you” “Well, try!” I say. Sivan sighs deeply and begins to talk..”I have kind of feeling that all the people in my family who died in the Holocaust have an influence on how I am. I feel often depressed, and I don’t know why.  My mother’s sister was killed in the Holocaust along with 5 children, and another sister died in an accident  when she was a young child. My grandparents too, my three uncles and their families. I am named after my grandmother who perished too. She was very loved and appreciated by my family. I actually would like to look closer into that side of my family.”

When we start to constellate a family, we usually begin with the family of origin, the parents of the tree twiiterclient, grandparents, siblings. We choose people from the audience, who don’t have any information about the client, and are required to be “put their mind on blank”   as they will represent family members in the Constellation.  How it works? You must experience it to understand, if you are not a biologist. This work has access to the nigger picture of our subconscious. It is phenomenal to see that doors are opening to a hidden dimension of inner images and unknown information, often offering the key to resolution and relief.  Over and over again Constellations consistently reveal profound and lasting material benefiting for the participants and loved ones. Surprisingly, the healing processes and the results shown are far-reaching in the family.

“Choose representatives for you, your grandmother, the aunt with five children, and the aunt who died in an accident and your grandmother.” Sivan puts the aunt with her children very close together. They all look down, which means in a constellation that they look at dead people or a grave. When the grandmother is set up in front of her daughter, she becomes very unstable, her body convulses as if she is crying silently. “ Go to your daughter and all of your grandchildren and touch them, one by one. You too, Sivan, do the same.”

They all embrace each other in silence. ”Now take your granddaughter by the hand and bow to your relatives, both of you, in front of all of them, with one bow.”

Grandmother hesitates. “One deep bow. You take the lead .” (to grandmother). Grandmother and Sivan bow deeply and slowly. “Now look at them, and tell them: “I am one of you”. Sivan is doing that.

“Look at them… Now straighten up, look at them very clearly, and say: “I’ll carry on.” “I am so sorry for what happened to you. I carry on in honor of your name and spirit.”

Sivan closes her eyes and breathes deeply. “Sivan…please … Look them in the eyes and say: “I’ll carry on”. Sivan, deeply moved: ”I’ll continue to live.” ”I’ll carry on in memory of you.” Sivan looks down and shakes her head. ”Tell them, look at them: “I’ll carry on.” Sivan shakes her head, “No, I cannot…”

Then I ask  the aunt  to say to Sivan:  “It is enough that we are dead. You are alive…Honor your live…”

The aunt smiles spontaneously. “It is enough that we are dead.” Sivan covers her face, smiles and tears are flowing. “Now, say it again; I’ll carry on” “I’ll carry on in remembrance of you, it’s enough that you are dead. I’ll make my life ” “Look at your grandmother and say: I’ll carry on’.

Sivan is speaking those words very softly. I ask the grandmother: “Do you want to tell her something?

Grandmother whispers: “No”. To Sivan: “Now stand with your back leaning against your aunt and look forward.”

“Do you have children?” Sivan nods, smiles. “How many do you have?” “Five.” 

”Now look at them, and tell them; ”I have five children.”

She is doing that. The children of the aunt smile. “Now turn around again, I’ll put five representatives for your children, and I’ll place them opposite of you.”

“Sivan, tell your children: ”We’ll carry on with life”. Sivan, covers her eyes, laughing and crying at once… ”Now, go to your children”…

I asked the audience if they can see how the dead are changed after this, how different the energy feels in the room. “That is very important. The dead participate in the lives of the living, but only when they are seen, honored or remembered.”

“May I leave it here?” Sivan nods and smiles…  Conclusion: usually after  a session like this the client notices a shift and relief. Feelings of depression and attachment to the trauma seem to change dramatically for the better.

 

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Epigenetics/Cheating

Generational Patterns /Transferred Traumas/Epigenetics

“My husband sometimes cheats on me, he says that he really loves me and doesn’t want to divorce, and it just drives me crazy!” Linda looked at me with deep sadness. “Did he lose a parent at a young age?”  This is usually the first question I ask with these kind of matters. Why? Because as Bert Hellinger (Hellinger 2001) so greatly explained, “when a child loses a parent, he is not strong enough to bear the grief and sadness. Instead the child reacts with anger.“  Anger can be seen as aggression as well.  The message that the child gets is also that of “If s/he really loved me s/he would have stayed. “
 A young child doesn’t have a true understanding of what death or even loss through divorce means.  As a result, they take these events personally.  
 “Yes!” Linda said, “He was four years old when his dad died in a car accident. And his mom died three years later of an illness…at the same age her own mom died.” 
 I believe that the response of a child can be that they subconsciously make the decision to not love deeply again in order to avoid getting hurt. In general, humans are afraid of pain. A closed heart is the result. Yet, the desire for love and being loved is a human force, but often is enmeshed with fear for loss or rejection. That impacts future intimate relationships.
 The method I use can bring light to where the “cheating” behavior is emanating from.  Is it a one generational problem or a pattern from ancestors? Or does it have other personality-related roots?

Art: Irene Muller Schoof

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 An opportunity for learning compassion…

With his grandmother, 9 Year old Jimmy came for a session to my office.  I was the last therapist to try before they would put Jimmy on medication for ADHD and hyperactivity. Grandma was the caretaker for Jimmy and his sister because their parents were divorced and unable to take care of their children. Grandma spoke very negatively about her ex-daughter in law. “She‘s a horrible mother, a drug addict. She’s not even paying child-support.”  Jimmy looked away while she spoke. For me the task was to elicit some empathy from grandmother for Jimmy’s mother, who was seemingly immersed in her own problems. Being addicted to drugs never occurs because of happy reasons. Grandma was not open to hear any other vision than her own.
I asked Jimmy to “map his family” with colored footprints he would choose from, and to put them in the open space on the floor that we call “the field”. Spontaneously he put the footprints wherever he felt like. He chose a pair of footprints for himself, his mother, father, sister and grand- parents. We added the dog too.  I asked Jimmy  to put shapes that are representing feelings next to the footprints , where ever he would feel comfortable .  Those feelings would then  be seen as belonging to the footprints of that person. Jimmy put next to everyone  “love” but not for himself. He put “sadness” to his mother’s footprints and also to his own. He put “anger” next to his father’s prints.
The mapping shows the inner picture of how Jimmy perceives his family and ultimately his world. He was obviously feeling lonely, disconnected from his parents, but supported by grandparents, and had no love for himself (!).
The way he positioned his own feet showed a deep longing for his mother. It became clear how he was connected to his mother, which was with sadness and pain. He peeked from the corners of his eyes to his grandmother, almost afraid of what she would think from all this and he saw that she was tearing up. This picture made her realize that it is detrimental for the boy when she speaks negatively about his mother. His feelings need to be respected. Even a troubled mother wants to be loved by the child, and deserves respect for wherever and whatever she is going through.  Most importantly, regardless of the situation, the child will love his mother. The child needs to have positive feelings about his parents., which can be very difficult and conflicting. Tearing natural family ties apart can cause restlessness and depression. It is our judging that can hurt others so much.  One session seemed to be enough to have Jimmy‘s behavior change.  The need for medication was gone.


The green footprints are from Jimmy, yellow and blue the grandparents, dark pink the dad (left corner beneath), yellow in the upper left corner; the mom. The pink circles symbolize “love”, the purple circles “sadness”. Red square: anger

 

http://carlavanwalsum.com/create-harmony-in-your-life-family-family-constellations/

DID YOU KNOW?

What makes you feel better? When you give to or receive from others? If you feel uncomfortable receiving from others, voila! That is a red flag. Most of us are raised in a belief-system that validates “givers” much more than “receivers”, regardless if its about love and care or money.
This is ironic because if nobody is able to receive, the givers are deprived from feeling good. Bottom line: if we validate “receiving” so much less, than we make the receiver feel less worthy, possibly guilty, or even helpless. Some people give in order to receive appreciation and validation. The question here is, is this giving from the heart or filling an emptiness… im Balance
Most of my clients score very high on the enjoyment of “giving” and quite low on “receiving”. Writing the check for rent or mortgage is for many givers a hard thing to do. That is very meaningful!
At the other end of the spectrum are the ones who love to receive and do not give so much. Usually, those do not have the happiest relationships…
Yes, there needs to be a balance. Giving and receiving must be equal. The happiest and most successful people score high in both, whether it is with love, care, or money.
Interestingly enough, it is not only our personality or upbringing that
determines how we function but our collective conscious and our family consciousness also play an important role. Patterns are trans-generational on a conscious or subconsciousness level. Today, many women live their passions and dreams in life and work. If “giving and receiving” is not in balance, forget about being successful. balance
Would like to know more and change how conscious and sub-conscious patterns, epigenetics, trans-generational heritage influence our lives, work and relationships today?
Then join us and sign up for this workshop now:
“Create Harmony in Your Life and Family”

Success-Acceleration!

This workshop is for everyone at any level of success who just wants to manifest more

Almost everybody wants to be successful. Success is actually a concept that encompasses all areas of life. However, if you ask 10 people what success means to them you’ll get 10 totally different answers.

According to Wikipedia success is:

  • Attainment of higher social status
  • Achievement of a goal, for example academic success
  • The opposite of failure

How simplistic is that! Those answers are a little superficial and mainly extrinsic. Yes, you can achieve a higher social status, that’s usually the result of academic and financial success.  What is this success? How others value and look at you?  Do they love you more for who you are?

Who cares what your neighbors think anyway? Unfortunately, yes, many do care and those thoughts keep them from being successful in some other areas of life. The root cause is that they are depending on approval of others.

I believe that feeling truly successful is something that you FEEL inside and is connected to joy, empowerment and gratitude. Your happy family, the love and appreciation you receive in your life, your connection to your calling and serving to others, your health, your great friendships are all signs of success of who YOU are.  Yes, that means following your passion, following your dreams. That can be a little scary too, because most of our ancestors couldn’t do that. Untitled

Academic success is highly validated, because we adore the brain and many still believe that knowledge is power.  But there is more to say about success. Why shouldn’t a plumber who’s doing such important work, not feel very successful if he fixes difficult issues?  What would you do without him? Didn’t Einstein say: “A true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination?” Voila, if you understand this concept and work it out as required you can draw your success towards you. Visualize your dreams, make them vivid and learn how to realize them.

Metaphysical wisdom tells us that “failures” don’t exist, only lessons, opportunities to learn and grow. Feeling that you are  a  failure is very sad. It means you are not aligned with your goals and don’t know how to manifest them. You see, it are your own thoughts who tell you that you are a failure (if you do). Of course, many parents were champions in projecting their wishes onto their children. If their goals with you weren’t met… you might still feel guilty to not have satisfied your parents. Honestly, you only owe success to your authentic self. It is such a relative concept. The essence is how YOU feel about yourself, your self-esteem, your validation and self-love. Whatever level you are, enjoy the ride, observe and appreciate your successes and the more successful you feel and act positively, the more success you will attract to yourself.

Success exists on all levels, but unseen and unknown elements in the sub consciousness can inhibit true manifestation.

This experiential workshop is about insights, clarity and getting even more in the flow.

A workshop for everyone at any level of success who just wants to manifest more

carlavanwalsum.com/success-acceleration/

3 Tips for Loving, Happy Relationships

“Appreciation of our diversity”, I wish that would be a class in school. It would prepare us at least partially for our future relationships with ourselves and with others. Competition divides us and is a killer for friendships and relationships. The trend to look at “winners and losers” by validating the “winner” much more than the “loser” doesn’t teach our children compassion or respect. That is quite contradicting to the call or request for respect which is so often expressed. In intimate relationships and with parenting styles criticism, comparison and judgment of behavior – especially when our needs aren’t met- is rather rule then exception. One key for happy relationships is feeling totally accepted for who you are. When people are in love, they tend to see only the good in the other. That’s not only because they don’t see “reality” (whose reality is it anyway), they just focus on the beauty of the other. If the critical mind awakes, usually the energy shifts..sadly enough. Why not to stay for ever in that state of bliss?

Interpretation and perception are great misleads and problem causes in all relationships. There is not ONE reality, but we all perceive the same ONE reality differently. That’s because we bring into our scopes our past and our beliefs. We also have intuition and we sense vibrations from others. So, how do we interpret these? Well, without connecting to criticism, some people you just might stay away from. You can still respect and validate them, but protect yourself from vibes you don’t align or feel good with… In respecting the other person as he/she is, that makes us feel much more pleasant than when we are in the “I’m right you’re wrong” discussions… Your opinion isn’t better, its only different. For example the “You are lazy” accusation tells more about the needs of the speaker than the true intentions of the one that is most likely relaxing. Yes,this is pure interpretation. Clear observation is the best guidance for true understanding and eventually can lead to acceptance. That doesn’t include that violence is permitted. It never is.

From a closed heart to an open heart As traumatic hurtful experiences can play a destructive part in the rest of our life if we don’t take steps to heal and release, so can multi-generational misery or Epigenetics conduct our life as well. It’s not only learned behavior that makes us act towards our partner like how our parents treated each other. How free are our choices for behavior really? Trauma keeps its power until healed and released, like negativity is surpassed by positivity. Little wounds leave little scars, while big wounds leave big scars. When the pain is large, we can decide to close our heart for love to protect ourselves from being hurt again or the bitterness takes over and causes us to close ourselves off. All of us know people who are perceived as “cold”. Did you know that violence, rape and arranged marriages without love could stop the flow of love through the future generations? The systemic work I do traces the path back to that cause. This work offers a new perspective and understanding of the bigger picture. It simultaneously offers forgiveness and honors what needs to be brought to light and opened up for love again. If your life unfolds in ways you don’t understand, whether its about lack of success in work, divorce issues with you or your children, adoption, depression or anxiety, try this workshop: “Discover the Hidden Information in Your Energy”

2hearts entangled

carlavanwalsum.com

Give and what about recieve?

Jen, a client, came into my office totally upset. Her partner didn’t want to join her today in the session. He was angry because of what Jen said to him, and he was “done”.  At least, that’s the excuse he used.  “I told him that he was a real narcissist and that he listened too much to his ego and never to me.”
“Well, if you attack him, for sure he won’t listen to you.  First, never express your frustration by attacking someone. You bring in attack and defense mechanisms from the courtroom; this is not a great arena for compassionate relationships. When attacked, no one will listen to what is really hidden behind the words… There is no compassionate, heartfelt connection at that moment.  Second, if you are hurt do not hurt back, but EXPRESS your feelings and needs.”

Unfortunately, hurting back is the technique that most of us have learned. If we are hurt, we hurt back, hoping that the other person really would understand us now and would finally get why we are so upset. Forget it, it doesn’t work like that. It just alienates us even more from each other. Yes it is very difficult if you are not heard, and if others walk away without telling you their true feelings or ideas. Unfortunately people are so hurt and wounded by life experiences that many hide behind their ego, and are so afraid to show their true feelings. Or worse, they deny themselves greatness out of fear of being hurt in the future.
Love and fear are opposites. Ego, not the Freudian concept but the more metaphysical vision, is the companion of fear and provides us with thoughts to protect us, but from what? Everything that comes from the ego is NEVER love-based. And fear? To live fearless is what most of us want, but hardly anyone really knows how to do that. 
“Jen, even ifyour partner would have serious signs of narcissism, it will help you to realize that narcissism is covering  a deep absence of self-love and appreciation, predominantly  the result of insufficient nurturing and the lack of love and acceptance for who you are during the first years of life. Unhealed issues and traumatic events of parents can also easily be taken over by our little ones. “

(more…)

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