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Archive for the ‘Wellbeing’ Category

What to do with anger? Heartbased Parenting

Being a parent is not the easiest job but one that can give and teach you a lot if you are ready to learn about yourself and the world. One of the most interesting things I observed is that every parent I meet has that innate trust that he/ she KNOWS what is good parenting. Many parents have as well a deep insecurity that is not easily shown, but by looking closer  clearly reaches the surface.

“It takes a village to raise a child” shows how important the loving wisdom of others can be of support, not the criticism that is so often experienced. Don’t you know those adults who mention that their childhood wasn’t a happy one, they experienced at least one of the parents as tough or abusive, and they had to do a lot of work in therapy to heal and let go of the painful impact and memories. If you meet then the parent(s) of this person they speak very confident about what a great parent they were, because they really liked how their child turned out!

Having that said I am concluding that there are not so many  people who are REALLY happy in this world,  as a result of what was missing and lacking in their education. Heartbased, lovebased parenting was certainly not a general habit. One of the reasons is that traumas and dramatic events occurring in past generations could cause the flow of love in the family to stop. How often do I hear: my mother didn’t love me. The systemic family constellations show often where the entanglement stems from. Healing is then key and often the results are mind blowing and shifting patterns.

The greatest gift we can give our children is  acceptance for who they really are. Unfortunately criticism and punishment is a widely spread way of educating and giving the opposite message. Its just negative and we overrate the impact of environment in the outcome. Fear-based education combined with projection consciously and subconsciously from own traumas and trans-generational traumas are custom.

A high divorce rate is not to blame the divorcees for easily giving  up what seems to be a general saying. No, it is simply because people lack means of how to find happiness and how to handle it if they find it. The shelves with Self-Help books are overloaded. We simply don’t stay for the wrong reasons. But do we know the right ones?

Step 1 is to be loving and kind without judgment. Appreciation for what is and for how anyone appears. Insight of ones own feelings and needs. Compassionate attitude instead of an angry frustrated response. Compassion is an excellent answer on anger. Parenting is about YOU as a parent, how you feel, how you appreciate yourself. healing and releasing your own stuff. Seeing the limitations of your parents as a result of where they came from.
Always connect to what is below the anger, when your child explodes, certainly after checking environmental factors.

If you are more concerned about being treated respectfully by your child and you punish him for expressing frustration not according your standards, then ask yourself: “How do I react when I am angry or frustrated? What do I teach my child? What role model am I?” can we expect a child to handle his emotions better then we do as an adult?2-201_sad_teen_girl_d_b-1024x682

Also, what food is your child getting? Sugar, coloring can be of incredible influence to behavior. I mean, the correlation between eating a mountain of sugar and difficult uncontrollable behavior is just high! Lately I recommended in my practice a parent of a 6-year old hyper active daughter to buy natural snacks without added sugar or additives. She was eating cookies and all kind of sugary snacks after school. Lunch in school is around 11am. Snack time is after school and then the family goes out for diner at 6.  No peaceful  family diner at home, cooked with care and love… Noisy restaurants instead.

Seven hours at least between lunch and diner. That is much too long.

Can you believe that in many elementary schools in Florida candies are given for rewarding “good behavior or grades?” And that in the same schools often recess is taken away??? Is there anybody out there who does not KNOW that children need to move and not put on a chair for hours without physical activity? In Holland children have recess every one and a half hour. Wednesday afternoon off after 12 pm. Play-time… Children deserve a childhood. Childhood means a stress-free play world. It prepares them for a better future.

Read in my next blog the research I am doing about anger and family dynamics in several generations.
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Music for the soul

Yasha Heifetz was a legend with his incredible passionate sound and phenomenal technique. His father, seemingly an advanced violinist played for him Tchaikovsky, and Yasha, 2 years old, would deadly-silent listen. As a trick, somewhere in the Tchaikovsky concerto, to show his sensitive musical ears, the father would pluck one sour note from the strings. At that the kid would let out a squawk of protest and reached through the bars to catch at his fathers coat…

During my first career as a classical flutist I once had a student at my home playing a Mozart flute concert to work on together. The babysitter didn’t show up, so we would see how far we could get with my 6 month old daughter in the room, who was usually very “talkative”… The baby listened while laying down, for at least 30 minutes without making any movement or sound. It’s known that Mozart ‘s music has been proven to help elevate people’s energy and mood levels. I wish that Mozart would be more often broad-casted in certain stores and places…as is often the situation now. Have you ever been for example in Best Buy? The music played there has been proven to do neurological damage. You would rather ran out the store…Corporate tells them to use those tapes, and many people working there told me they felt exhausted after a day from the noise. Why on earth do we spend so much money on science and not implement it in our daily life…

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Give and what about recieve?

Jen, a client, came into my office totally upset. Her partner didn’t want to join her today in the session. He was angry because of what Jen said to him, and he was “done”.  At least, that’s the excuse he used.  “I told him that he was a real narcissist and that he listened too much to his ego and never to me.”
“Well, if you attack him, for sure he won’t listen to you.  First, never express your frustration by attacking someone. You bring in attack and defense mechanisms from the courtroom; this is not a great arena for compassionate relationships. When attacked, no one will listen to what is really hidden behind the words… There is no compassionate, heartfelt connection at that moment.  Second, if you are hurt do not hurt back, but EXPRESS your feelings and needs.”

Unfortunately, hurting back is the technique that most of us have learned. If we are hurt, we hurt back, hoping that the other person really would understand us now and would finally get why we are so upset. Forget it, it doesn’t work like that. It just alienates us even more from each other. Yes it is very difficult if you are not heard, and if others walk away without telling you their true feelings or ideas. Unfortunately people are so hurt and wounded by life experiences that many hide behind their ego, and are so afraid to show their true feelings. Or worse, they deny themselves greatness out of fear of being hurt in the future.
Love and fear are opposites. Ego, not the Freudian concept but the more metaphysical vision, is the companion of fear and provides us with thoughts to protect us, but from what? Everything that comes from the ego is NEVER love-based. And fear? To live fearless is what most of us want, but hardly anyone really knows how to do that. 
“Jen, even ifyour partner would have serious signs of narcissism, it will help you to realize that narcissism is covering  a deep absence of self-love and appreciation, predominantly  the result of insufficient nurturing and the lack of love and acceptance for who you are during the first years of life. Unhealed issues and traumatic events of parents can also easily be taken over by our little ones. “

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“Do not take it personally!”

“Do not take it personally!”

Really?  No one to blame? Is it THEIR stuff?
One of the tools that contributes to personal happiness is this quote from Don Miquel Ruiz: “Do not take it personally!”
It is a very simple phrase that contains much wisdom. As adults we can choose to relearn communication, free of blaming, manipulation and guilt trips. We can choose to awaken and practice kindness, compassion and loving acceptance in our thoughts and behavior. We reframe our conscious mind with clarity, undo and release habitual thinking patterns stored in our Epigenetics, our “emotional DNA”, and we become aware of the energy of words.
We learn to shift gears if we tell ourselves that we do not take it personally when someone brings us out of balance, hurts or blames us. On top of that we learn to honor our needs. The compassionate model of Non-violent Communication /Crystal Clear Communication that I teach couples and families supports the clear observation which includes no criticism, comparison nor judgment.   To identify ones feelings as a response to unmet needs makes that one takes responsibility for his own unmet needs, instead of putting that on the lap of another person.  That means that you first have to become more aware of what feelings and what needs are connected.
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Tap into your incredible innate capacity to heal circumstances, relationships and difficult life situations!

Epigenetics: Clinical psychology research has shown that traumas are stored in the limbic brain for at least 3 generations. Thoughts are energy, sub-and unconscious(ness) are energy fields. Traumas are stored there as all the collected data of the past, and are energetic substances that impact our lives and our happiness/wellbeing today. In order to really thriving and living your full potential, recognizing and healing/releasing trauma’s is imperative. Troublesome relationships can be a sign of trauma’s in the family-energy field. Angry father-angry son. Sad mother-sad daughter, signs of generational transmission. War is often a big indicator. Unexplainable inadequacy of being able to love unconditionally, behavior of addiction, depression, anger, neuroticism etc., it is in these area’s my work can help you. By only identifying and fighting the symptom, we miss out on the bigger picture that contains much Hidden Truths. Heal your heart, you heal your life. Change your thinking you change your future!
Often a few sessions are sufficient to make a change.

As Einstein said: Everything IS Energy!

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Only you are responsible for:

YOUR own happiness! Many know this statement, and yes, they agree. However: if I ask the next question: and how do you DO that? A big silence follows…
It is here where the model of Crystal Clear Communication ( Non-violent) is a great to tool to use. No, we will never find someone who will make us happy 24/7. Would be nice, right… So, we need to own everything. If we get crazy because our kids are fighting, it s not because they are doing difficult: no, it s because our needs of harmony and peace at home or in the CAR are not met. As much as we despite it, people, also kids, have the right to be authentic, and sometimes that includes having a ad mood or temper. Giving ourselves compassion, and them to, can help a lot. You can act violently by threatening , punishing or whatever, well, if they get scared enough, a change might occur. However, the CAUSE is unaddressed. People seem to be the happiest birds, if they feel understood. By themselves, and then by others. Following rules keeps order, but blocks connection from heart to heart.

Heartbased Solutions, LLC Carlavanwalsum.com

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Balance…Do we need it?

Think about it, everything is built up on the concept of ‘balancing’.You don’t like arrogant, snobby people? Well, the other end of the stick is insecurity…Deep down the ‘arrogants’ are missing out on a profound being at peace with them selves or with life. So, there is no balance… In the middle of the stick you’ll find self-confidence and contentedness with self and the world.  Arrogance and insecurity are absence.
A client in one of my couple counseling sessions lately, told me he felt insecure about many things and his wife told him often, while loving him much and very awakened on top of that, what was wrong about him, how childish he was and lacking perseverance. The poor guy could do 2 things ; to become angry and letting his frustration out, than people would say; ‘Ohhh, he has anger issues, ‘ or turning it to himself and becoming self destructive. Cutting. Alcoholism. Feelings of depression. He blamed himself for the dominant behavior of his wife, such a strong vibrant person. Well, again balance is at stake. She is strong and attacking and believing SHE was right…, he smaller and defending himself…One of the best way to quit with those dynamics is learning the Crystal Clear Communication model (NVC). Only observation, clear!, no hidden judgments, attacks, analysis, comparison and so on. Judgment kills the love. We are responsible for our own happiness. many know that one. But HOW do you do that? By not putting ourselves up as BETTER then our partner. By focusing on our needs , respecting those and the needs from the other as well! Sacrificing yourself for the other and then later to blame that one that you couldn’t do what you choose to, is not doing any good.either. It is totally appropriate to honor you own feelings and needs. Which is something else then to become selfish or self centered…Inner peace, heart-fulness? is a natural state as a result of balance… A wonderful tool to discover hidden truths in relationships and you name it is Family Constellation work. www.lifeshiddentruths.com  carlavanwalsum.com

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