It's all about Relationships…

Posts tagged ‘Birthmothers’

THE SOUND OF COMPASSION

Last night I learned about the sound of compassion. How does compassion sound?  Before you start to laugh or think critically you might consider doing what Einstein did. He declared that everything is energy. Having said that, we squeeze our minds to try to imagine what that really means. It’s very abstract, right? Not easy to do in a society where validation primarily is given to the perceivable world. Anyway, very old wisdom written down in one of the books of the Zohar (Kabbalah) teaches us that the “Aaaaahhhh” sound, felt in the chest by focusing on the heart and chest, has a level of vibration that creates compassion. You just put your hand on your heart and feel it.

From Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer I learned that Shaaaaahhh… is the sound of creation. So that indicates that Ahhh: “compassion” is an integral part of Shaaaahhh. To chant that sound is a great start of the day. Ending the day with Ommmmmm which means gratitude is really lifting up your energy.
Practicing gratitude is a habit that clears negativity and opens up to the state of manifesting our wishes and dreams. Together it hears as: Shaaa-l-ooom which means peace. So this word shalom encompasses the concepts: Creation, Compassion, Gratitude and Peace.

twin pic Compassion practiced intentionally is a very powerful tool. Compassion can be learned. Really. People who do not have compassion usually have a mindset that is filled with inhibiting, negative beliefs, have been raised among detrimental circumstances or have certain mental disorders.
Compassion is a combination of Observation (clean judgment, not criticism) and Unconditional Love.

The power of intention is sufficient to make it work. Focus your mindset, your energy, and voila, it’s felt by the other. We are used to say: “I send you my love, regards, best wishes.” That saying probably stems from a time there was more consciousness about energy in our lives and language. When you feel wronged, hurt or experience other negative feelings, so characteristic in relationships; be compassionate with yourself. Self-compassion is one of the emotional healing tools that is really effective.

Want to know more? Signup for my newsletter http://carlavanwalsum.com and receive my FREE gift: “The 7 Essentials for a Happy Life!”

What to do with anger? Heartbased Parenting

Being a parent is not the easiest job but one that can give and teach you a lot if you are ready to learn about yourself and the world. One of the most interesting things I observed is that every parent I meet has that innate trust that he/ she KNOWS what is good parenting. Many parents have as well a deep insecurity that is not easily shown, but by looking closer  clearly reaches the surface.

“It takes a village to raise a child” shows how important the loving wisdom of others can be of support, not the criticism that is so often experienced. Don’t you know those adults who mention that their childhood wasn’t a happy one, they experienced at least one of the parents as tough or abusive, and they had to do a lot of work in therapy to heal and let go of the painful impact and memories. If you meet then the parent(s) of this person they speak very confident about what a great parent they were, because they really liked how their child turned out!

Having that said I am concluding that there are not so many  people who are REALLY happy in this world,  as a result of what was missing and lacking in their education. Heartbased, lovebased parenting was certainly not a general habit. One of the reasons is that traumas and dramatic events occurring in past generations could cause the flow of love in the family to stop. How often do I hear: my mother didn’t love me. The systemic family constellations show often where the entanglement stems from. Healing is then key and often the results are mind blowing and shifting patterns.

The greatest gift we can give our children is  acceptance for who they really are. Unfortunately criticism and punishment is a widely spread way of educating and giving the opposite message. Its just negative and we overrate the impact of environment in the outcome. Fear-based education combined with projection consciously and subconsciously from own traumas and trans-generational traumas are custom.

A high divorce rate is not to blame the divorcees for easily giving  up what seems to be a general saying. No, it is simply because people lack means of how to find happiness and how to handle it if they find it. The shelves with Self-Help books are overloaded. We simply don’t stay for the wrong reasons. But do we know the right ones?

Step 1 is to be loving and kind without judgment. Appreciation for what is and for how anyone appears. Insight of ones own feelings and needs. Compassionate attitude instead of an angry frustrated response. Compassion is an excellent answer on anger. Parenting is about YOU as a parent, how you feel, how you appreciate yourself. healing and releasing your own stuff. Seeing the limitations of your parents as a result of where they came from.
Always connect to what is below the anger, when your child explodes, certainly after checking environmental factors.

If you are more concerned about being treated respectfully by your child and you punish him for expressing frustration not according your standards, then ask yourself: “How do I react when I am angry or frustrated? What do I teach my child? What role model am I?” can we expect a child to handle his emotions better then we do as an adult?2-201_sad_teen_girl_d_b-1024x682

Also, what food is your child getting? Sugar, coloring can be of incredible influence to behavior. I mean, the correlation between eating a mountain of sugar and difficult uncontrollable behavior is just high! Lately I recommended in my practice a parent of a 6-year old hyper active daughter to buy natural snacks without added sugar or additives. She was eating cookies and all kind of sugary snacks after school. Lunch in school is around 11am. Snack time is after school and then the family goes out for diner at 6.  No peaceful  family diner at home, cooked with care and love… Noisy restaurants instead.

Seven hours at least between lunch and diner. That is much too long.

Can you believe that in many elementary schools in Florida candies are given for rewarding “good behavior or grades?” And that in the same schools often recess is taken away??? Is there anybody out there who does not KNOW that children need to move and not put on a chair for hours without physical activity? In Holland children have recess every one and a half hour. Wednesday afternoon off after 12 pm. Play-time… Children deserve a childhood. Childhood means a stress-free play world. It prepares them for a better future.

Read in my next blog the research I am doing about anger and family dynamics in several generations.
WWW.CARLAVANWALSUM.COM

The Adoption Triad: Soul Searching, People Searching

The Adoption Triad: Hidden Truths Behind the Happy Ending           

The word adoption conjures joyful images of a new baby, dreams fulfilled and promises of a better life for baby. There are more than 1.5 million adoptees in the United States; adoption touches one in fifteen of us.  What few have had the courage to talk about until recently is that behind many “happy endings,” there are painful realities and souls in need of healing.

As the recent TV special “Dan Rather Reports: Adopted or Abducted?” explored, the adoption story rarely quite as simple or straightforward as it may first appear. The act of surrendering a baby is so primal that it brings up complex emotions for each member of the triad—birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees. There has traditionally been a veil of secrecy surrounding adoption; this is particularly true of adoptions that took place in the 50s, 60s and 70s. The circumstances and emotions around the conception, birth and surrender of the baby are often denied, buried or simply not discussed. If left unhealed, feelings of grief, unworthiness and longing can become part of the individual and tribal/family soul DNA, lasting a lifetime and even affecting future generations.

The birth mother may receive praise and feel deeply gratified for committing the ultimate loving, selfless act for her baby. At the same time, she may feel a mixture of fear, desperation, guilt, judgment, shame, and even coercion.  On an emotional level, a woman is told, and often comes to believe, that she is undeserving of her child because she is unmarried, economically unstable or simply because the natural father walks away. Not an easy burden for a young woman to carry.

For the adoptive parent, there is elation and gratitude upon receiving a much-anticipated bundle of joy. However, the adoption often comes after suffering grief, self-doubt and pain if they were not able to have their own biological child.  They may be reluctant to admit that they have doubts about how their family will accept and bond with the child or if he may have psychological or medical issues. They often have harsh judgments about the birth mother, which are inevitably felt by the child.

Even when adoptees have had a happy and loving childhood, most have lingering questions about their heritage and the circumstance surrounding their birth. At the soul level, it is a very difficult thing to feel like one has been “given away,” no matter the circumstances. Adoptees often develop a deep-seated fear of abandonment, a numbing of emotions or an inability to fully accept love in their relationships.

Truly making peace with adoption
and its influence in ones life may involve Soul Searching, People Searching or both.

 

 

People Searching: There are many heartwarming reunion stories about a birth mom and child finding each other, sharing an immediate recognition and bond, and developing a lifelong loving relationship. Many other searches are fraught with frustration, brick walls, repeated rejection or finding out some not-so-nice details about the birth mother’s life situation. The decision to search must be made with eyes and heart open, willingness to accept that it may be an emotional roller coaster and acceptance for a variety of possible outcomes. Many people find searching necessary to their healing; others choose to focus attention inwardly.

Research shows that the vast majority of birth mothers do want to be found and that nearly all adoptees who search are glad they did. This is true even if what they find is less than ideal, or if the birth family does not wish to pursue a personal relationship with the adoptee. In many cases, the pain is too deep for an adoptee and birth mother to bond, but meaningful connections are made with extended family members. In my opinion, it is almost always better to find answers; I believe that it is  every adoptee’s birthright to have access to this information.

Soul Searching: So what is the best way to heal the emotional wounds surrounding adoption? In my fifteen-plus years as a mental health professional specializing in the adoption triad, I have seen incredible healing and growth for all members of the adoption triad, through a variety of techniques. Some of the most powerful healing results come from applying Epigenetics and Systemic Family Constellation.

Systemic Family Constellation is hugely popular in Europe and is becoming increasingly well known in the U.S. I had the honor of studying this work directly under its founder, Dr. Bert Hellinger. I am both a seasoned facilitator and a personal fan of this work.  In hundreds of cases, I have seen fascinating results in detecting energetic connections and discovering hidden loyalties and trauma within a family soul group. This work taps into the larger family soul energy, supporting its innate ability to clear blockages, balance energy and very quickly bring about quantum healing and joy in my clients’ lives.

Learn more at www.lifeshiddentruths.com/services or attending the upcoming workshop “Adoption: Soul Searching and People Searching” on June 9th.

Tag Cloud