It's all about Relationships…

Posts tagged ‘love’

 An opportunity for learning compassion…

With his grandmother, 9 Year old Jimmy came for a session to my office.  I was the last therapist to try before they would put Jimmy on medication for ADHD and hyperactivity. Grandma was the caretaker for Jimmy and his sister because their parents were divorced and unable to take care of their children. Grandma spoke very negatively about her ex-daughter in law. “She‘s a horrible mother, a drug addict. She’s not even paying child-support.”  Jimmy looked away while she spoke. For me the task was to elicit some empathy from grandmother for Jimmy’s mother, who was seemingly immersed in her own problems. Being addicted to drugs never occurs because of happy reasons. Grandma was not open to hear any other vision than her own.
I asked Jimmy to “map his family” with colored footprints he would choose from, and to put them in the open space on the floor that we call “the field”. Spontaneously he put the footprints wherever he felt like. He chose a pair of footprints for himself, his mother, father, sister and grand- parents. We added the dog too.  I asked Jimmy  to put shapes that are representing feelings next to the footprints , where ever he would feel comfortable .  Those feelings would then  be seen as belonging to the footprints of that person. Jimmy put next to everyone  “love” but not for himself. He put “sadness” to his mother’s footprints and also to his own. He put “anger” next to his father’s prints.
The mapping shows the inner picture of how Jimmy perceives his family and ultimately his world. He was obviously feeling lonely, disconnected from his parents, but supported by grandparents, and had no love for himself (!).
The way he positioned his own feet showed a deep longing for his mother. It became clear how he was connected to his mother, which was with sadness and pain. He peeked from the corners of his eyes to his grandmother, almost afraid of what she would think from all this and he saw that she was tearing up. This picture made her realize that it is detrimental for the boy when she speaks negatively about his mother. His feelings need to be respected. Even a troubled mother wants to be loved by the child, and deserves respect for wherever and whatever she is going through.  Most importantly, regardless of the situation, the child will love his mother. The child needs to have positive feelings about his parents., which can be very difficult and conflicting. Tearing natural family ties apart can cause restlessness and depression. It is our judging that can hurt others so much.  One session seemed to be enough to have Jimmy‘s behavior change.  The need for medication was gone.


The green footprints are from Jimmy, yellow and blue the grandparents, dark pink the dad (left corner beneath), yellow in the upper left corner; the mom. The pink circles symbolize “love”, the purple circles “sadness”. Red square: anger

 

http://carlavanwalsum.com/create-harmony-in-your-life-family-family-constellations/

Love and what else?

LOVE…?

We could simply realize that many are not really happy with themselves or in their relationships. Self-love, as the basis of the ability to love others, is often very hurt or even absent. In my practice I frequently face that the root cause of many issues is based on a lack of experiencing to be appreciated and accepted for who they really are. This appreciation is one of the greatest gifts we can give to our children.

 We have disconnected so completely that we willingly engage in the dysfunction, yet we seem not to know how to make the changes.

Bound by fear and relishing in illusory symbols of status and power, we choose to spiral through depending on approval and life clinging to our reputations, our homes, our cars and our jobs as if they defined our very existence. We and of course our children are paying the price.

Every time a child commits suicide or goes on another school shooting rampage, we struggle to understand why? Fingers are pointed in every direction – at the media, the psychiatric drugs, the music industry, video games, lack of morality in America, but our fingers are never turned inward, toward our own hearts. We simply do not understand.

It is time to recognize that our own words and actions as the cause of an ever-eroding respect for life. respect coming from our hearts, not from superficial politeness.

It’s time to begin the healing of our hearts, to move from closed to an open heart.

 

Only you are responsible for:

YOUR own happiness! Many know this statement, and yes, they agree. However: if I ask the next question: and how do you DO that? A big silence follows…
It is here where the model of Crystal Clear Communication ( Non-violent) is a great to tool to use. No, we will never find someone who will make us happy 24/7. Would be nice, right… So, we need to own everything. If we get crazy because our kids are fighting, it s not because they are doing difficult: no, it s because our needs of harmony and peace at home or in the CAR are not met. As much as we despite it, people, also kids, have the right to be authentic, and sometimes that includes having a ad mood or temper. Giving ourselves compassion, and them to, can help a lot. You can act violently by threatening , punishing or whatever, well, if they get scared enough, a change might occur. However, the CAUSE is unaddressed. People seem to be the happiest birds, if they feel understood. By themselves, and then by others. Following rules keeps order, but blocks connection from heart to heart.

Heartbased Solutions, LLC Carlavanwalsum.com

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Balance…Do we need it?

Think about it, everything is built up on the concept of ‘balancing’.You don’t like arrogant, snobby people? Well, the other end of the stick is insecurity…Deep down the ‘arrogants’ are missing out on a profound being at peace with them selves or with life. So, there is no balance… In the middle of the stick you’ll find self-confidence and contentedness with self and the world.  Arrogance and insecurity are absence.
A client in one of my couple counseling sessions lately, told me he felt insecure about many things and his wife told him often, while loving him much and very awakened on top of that, what was wrong about him, how childish he was and lacking perseverance. The poor guy could do 2 things ; to become angry and letting his frustration out, than people would say; ‘Ohhh, he has anger issues, ‘ or turning it to himself and becoming self destructive. Cutting. Alcoholism. Feelings of depression. He blamed himself for the dominant behavior of his wife, such a strong vibrant person. Well, again balance is at stake. She is strong and attacking and believing SHE was right…, he smaller and defending himself…One of the best way to quit with those dynamics is learning the Crystal Clear Communication model (NVC). Only observation, clear!, no hidden judgments, attacks, analysis, comparison and so on. Judgment kills the love. We are responsible for our own happiness. many know that one. But HOW do you do that? By not putting ourselves up as BETTER then our partner. By focusing on our needs , respecting those and the needs from the other as well! Sacrificing yourself for the other and then later to blame that one that you couldn’t do what you choose to, is not doing any good.either. It is totally appropriate to honor you own feelings and needs. Which is something else then to become selfish or self centered…Inner peace, heart-fulness? is a natural state as a result of balance… A wonderful tool to discover hidden truths in relationships and you name it is Family Constellation work. www.lifeshiddentruths.com  carlavanwalsum.com

“I am connected to you, but I‘ve never met you…” When the presence of absence is felt… A Holocaust history as shown in a Constellation perspective

“I am connected to you, but I‘ve never met you…”  When the  presence of absence is felt…  A Holocaust history as shown in a Constellation perspective. ( N0, not about stars!)

http://www.CarlaVanWalsum.com   Boca Raton, Florida

When, because of war or other disasters, many family members are killed or perished, surviving members can often ‘feel’ their absence even though they have never met. Family Constellations show that identification can occur with one or more dead family members quite unexpectedly. We are all part of a so called ‘Family-Soul’; an intelligence which encompasses the evolution and nature of the family over the generations.

Those who belong to a particular Family Soul are the children, parents and their siblings, grandparents, great grandparents and so on, including anyone who has been excluded from this family system (i.e. rejected members who were called ’bad’, former spouses, stillborn and aborted children).When we bring them back into the system by acknowledging and honoring them, we see that Constellations are a very effective way to restore harmony in any family. Sometimes, family members who haven’t talked to each other for years suddenly call soon after a constellation.
Also, constellations can provide clarity and healing for a tremendous variety of issues in only a few minutes.

She looks at me, a bit insecurely. “I don’t know if this makes any sense to you.”
“Well, try!” I say.
Michal sighs deeply and begins to talk.” I have a strange feeling that all of the people in my family who died in the Holocaust have an influence on me today. I often feel depressed, and I don’t know why. My mother’s sister was killed in the Holocaust along with her 5 children. So are 2 brothers with their families from my father’s side. I am named after my grandmother, who perished too. The story in my family is that she was a great, wonderful person. I actually would like to look more closely into that side of my family.”

When Family Constellations begin, we start by setting up the family of origin. The client will choose people from the audience to represent their family members. They have no previous information about the client, and are requested to participate with ‘absolutely blank minds’. By doing so,   a ‘morpho-genetic-field’  emerges, a field that contains the collected data of the family legacy. The miracle is that doors are opened to a hidden dimension of inner images and often unknown, unspoken issues.  When scars of the past are not healed, that energy tend to reverberate to future generations. Over and over again, Constellations consistently reveal profound and lasting benefits for the participants and loved ones. Surprisingly enough, the healing processes take place on  soul-level, yet the results are shown in people, even when they are not present.

“Choose representatives for you, your grandmother, the aunt with five children.”

Michal puts the aunt with her 5 children very close together. They all look down. When the grandmother is set up in front of her daughter, she becomes very unstable, her body convulses as if she is crying silently. A strong emotion is felt.
“Go to your daughter and all of your grandchildren and touch them, one by one. ..Michal, please do the same and look them in the eyes.”  They all embrace each other in silence. “Now take your granddaughter by the hand and bow to your relatives, both of you, in front of all of them, with one bow.”
The grandmother hesitates.  Continue to breathe deeply!  “One deep bow. ” Michal sighs deeply, and cannot look at them. She walks away, telling she cannot look at them. I gently bring Michal back. “Please, look at them!” Michal walks back.

Grandmother and Michal bow deeply and slowly. The ro m becomes very tensed. “Now Michal, look at them and tell them ‘I am one of you’.” Michal does. “Look at them. Now straighten up, look at them very clearly, and say: ‘I’ll carry on’.” Michal is hesitating. “Say it. Look them in their eyes and say: ‘I’ll carry on’.” Michal, deeply moved, whispers: ”I’ll continue to live.”
I ask Michal to repeat after me, “I’ll carry on in memory of you. Your death was not in vain. ” Michal does n’t move, looks down and shakes her head. ”Tell them, look at them: ‘I’ll carry on’.” Michal shakes her head, no.
“Tell her-…It is enough that we are dead.”

“It is enough that we are dead.” Michal covers her face, cries and smiles. “Now, say it again, ‘I’ll carry on…I’ll carry on in remembrance of you, it’s enough that you are dead’.
“Look at your grandmother and say: ‘I’ll carry on’.” Michal does so. I ask the grandmother: “Do you want to tell her something?”
Grandmother whispers: “No”. To Michal: “Now stand with your back leaning against your aunt and look forward.”
“Do you have children?” Michal nods, smiles. “How many do you have?” “Five…”
”Now look at your relatives, and tell them I have five children.
Michal whispers:.. “I have also 5 children…”

The 5 children of the aunt smile and look friendly at Michal. “Now turn around again, I’ll put five representatives for your children, and place them opposite you.
“Michal, tell your children “We’ll carry on with life”. Michal covers her eyes… seems unable to speak.
”Now, go to your children”
I asked the audience if they can see how the facial expressions and energies  (the representatives of)  ”the  dead’ are changed after this, how the energy shifted. “That is very important what we see here. The dead participate in the lives of the living,  When we acknowledge them, honor them and give them a place, the dynamics  shift.  It is als known as kind of ‘survivors guilt’.  But the burden of the loss and murdering of so many family members is very tangible and manifest itself often as depressions, strange accidents, and not being able to take life fully.  “

The audience appears very moved.. a genuine touch was felt..After a Constellation the representatives automatically immediately release all that does not belong to them, what they temporary took on in order to make the invisible visible…Thats how the forces of the Morphogenetic fields, or Epigenetics, work.

The family soul has its wounds and secrets that work their way through to many future generations, when not healed. The chil­dren, by being so loyal, often take over what does not belong to them. “I take it instead of you” or “I leave instead of you ”. With these types of entanglements, love cannot flow, it can disturb our lives and manifest in the form of sudden illnesses or accidents, depression, physical or mental illness, persistent relationships conflicts and dysfunction. Constellation is also used with different phenomenons and organizations. Clinical Psychology science shows that trauma’s are stored in the limbic brain for at least 3 generations. We can conclude that to heal our pasts is imperative for a happy life.

Carla has been trained/certified with Dr Bert Hellinger in Europe, the Dutch Hellinger Institute,  Academy for Eclectic Psychotherapy and with the Boston Constellation Approach. She has facilitated numerous constellations with groups and utilizes this work also in her private practice in Florida,  phone sessions, privately  1 on 1, with adults and with children.
www.CarlaVanWalsum.com

Read my chapter in Allow Your Vision to Soar!

No Blame, No Shame…only Choices for Brightness

In the past decades much psychotherapy was focused on blaming the parents when a child, regardless what age, had problems of thriving. It did not contribute to more  inner peace, in many cases.
NOW there is a common belief that when issues are arising, the blame for the problems is put on the ABSENCE of a parent. Either way, blaming does not create compassion, healing or insight, only guilt, shame and victim-hood.
The absence of an abusive parent could be a bliss as well, the less violence in a child’s life, the better, right?
Key of the issue is that when the CHILD is helped to heal negative experiences and is  guided to learn to forgive,  to be empathic  and taught to LOVE and APPRECIATE him/herself really, those energies pre-pave the path to a healthy, happy and thriving personality. Every experience can be turned around into an opportunity for growth and strength takes effort, but the outcome is so much better!
Acknowledge their brightness, teach to heal and clear wounds of the past at any moment in time!

Criticism….

We have been taught, at least most of us, to develop a sharp, critical mind. The sharper, the better. We were validated if we were really good at it. It is this mindset that is detrimental for happy relationships. If we use our criticism, masking our real feelings of disappointment, hurt and unmet needs, we become real fault-finders. Hard to live and to deal with! If we CHOOSE to become a LOVE finder, focusing on the beauty in others, our level of happiness improves and elevates drastically…
Practice it..and enjoy the results…

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