It's all about Relationships…

Archive for November, 2015


Generational Patterns /Transferred Traumas/Epigenetics

“My husband sometimes cheats on me, he says that he really loves me and doesn’t want to divorce, and it just drives me crazy!” Linda looked at me with deep sadness. “Did he lose a parent at a young age?”  This is usually the first question I ask with these kind of matters. Why? Because as Bert Hellinger (Hellinger 2001) so greatly explained, “when a child loses a parent, he is not strong enough to bear the grief and sadness. Instead the child reacts with anger.“  Anger can be seen as aggression as well.  The message that the child gets is also that of “If s/he really loved me s/he would have stayed. “
 A young child doesn’t have a true understanding of what death or even loss through divorce means.  As a result, they take these events personally.  
 “Yes!” Linda said, “He was four years old when his dad died in a car accident. And his mom died three years later of an illness…at the same age her own mom died.” 
 I believe that the response of a child can be that they subconsciously make the decision to not love deeply again in order to avoid getting hurt. In general, humans are afraid of pain. A closed heart is the result. Yet, the desire for love and being loved is a human force, but often is enmeshed with fear for loss or rejection. That impacts future intimate relationships.
 The method I use can bring light to where the “cheating” behavior is emanating from.  Is it a one generational problem or a pattern from ancestors? Or does it have other personality-related roots?

Art: Irene Muller Schoof



The impact of past generations

To ponder about:

What could be the impact on a person who lost 80 or 100+ family members by murder, even when he or she never met them? The family has a subconscious, or collective conscious field that 3_generations_gallerycontains the data of life-experiences, good and bad.  In addition to that, clinical psychology science shows that traumas are stored in the Limbic brain for up to 7 generations.

Did you know that world wide, in many Jewish families who somewhere are connected to what happened in the Holocaust, have a child(ren), grandchild(ren)with not explainable reasons for feelings of depression, anxieties, anger or strange illnesses.

Trauma carries on, reverberates through generations. Its like negative energy that needs to be brought to peace. The soul has many faces.

The method I use can help to disentangle and disconnect from that burden.

 An opportunity for learning compassion…

With his grandmother, 9 Year old Jimmy came for a session to my office.  I was the last therapist to try before they would put Jimmy on medication for ADHD and hyperactivity. Grandma was the caretaker for Jimmy and his sister because their parents were divorced and unable to take care of their children. Grandma spoke very negatively about her ex-daughter in law. “She‘s a horrible mother, a drug addict. She’s not even paying child-support.”  Jimmy looked away while she spoke. For me the task was to elicit some empathy from grandmother for Jimmy’s mother, who was seemingly immersed in her own problems. Being addicted to drugs never occurs because of happy reasons. Grandma was not open to hear any other vision than her own.
I asked Jimmy to “map his family” with colored footprints he would choose from, and to put them in the open space on the floor that we call “the field”. Spontaneously he put the footprints wherever he felt like. He chose a pair of footprints for himself, his mother, father, sister and grand- parents. We added the dog too.  I asked Jimmy  to put shapes that are representing feelings next to the footprints , where ever he would feel comfortable .  Those feelings would then  be seen as belonging to the footprints of that person. Jimmy put next to everyone  “love” but not for himself. He put “sadness” to his mother’s footprints and also to his own. He put “anger” next to his father’s prints.
The mapping shows the inner picture of how Jimmy perceives his family and ultimately his world. He was obviously feeling lonely, disconnected from his parents, but supported by grandparents, and had no love for himself (!).
The way he positioned his own feet showed a deep longing for his mother. It became clear how he was connected to his mother, which was with sadness and pain. He peeked from the corners of his eyes to his grandmother, almost afraid of what she would think from all this and he saw that she was tearing up. This picture made her realize that it is detrimental for the boy when she speaks negatively about his mother. His feelings need to be respected. Even a troubled mother wants to be loved by the child, and deserves respect for wherever and whatever she is going through.  Most importantly, regardless of the situation, the child will love his mother. The child needs to have positive feelings about his parents., which can be very difficult and conflicting. Tearing natural family ties apart can cause restlessness and depression. It is our judging that can hurt others so much.  One session seemed to be enough to have Jimmy‘s behavior change.  The need for medication was gone.

The green footprints are from Jimmy, yellow and blue the grandparents, dark pink the dad (left corner beneath), yellow in the upper left corner; the mom. The pink circles symbolize “love”, the purple circles “sadness”. Red square: anger


What makes you feel better? When you give to or receive from others? If you feel uncomfortable receiving from others, voila! That is a red flag. Most of us are raised in a belief-system that validates “givers” much more than “receivers”, regardless if its about love and care or money.
This is ironic because if nobody is able to receive, the givers are deprived from feeling good. Bottom line: if we validate “receiving” so much less, than we make the receiver feel less worthy, possibly guilty, or even helpless. Some people give in order to receive appreciation and validation. The question here is, is this giving from the heart or filling an emptiness… im Balance
Most of my clients score very high on the enjoyment of “giving” and quite low on “receiving”. Writing the check for rent or mortgage is for many givers a hard thing to do. That is very meaningful!
At the other end of the spectrum are the ones who love to receive and do not give so much. Usually, those do not have the happiest relationships…
Yes, there needs to be a balance. Giving and receiving must be equal. The happiest and most successful people score high in both, whether it is with love, care, or money.
Interestingly enough, it is not only our personality or upbringing that
determines how we function but our collective conscious and our family consciousness also play an important role. Patterns are trans-generational on a conscious or subconsciousness level. Today, many women live their passions and dreams in life and work. If “giving and receiving” is not in balance, forget about being successful. balance
Would like to know more and change how conscious and sub-conscious patterns, epigenetics, trans-generational heritage influence our lives, work and relationships today?
Then join us and sign up for this workshop now:
“Create Harmony in Your Life and Family”

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