“I’ve never met you…” Feeling the presence of absence. A Holocaust story in the perspective of Systemic Family Constellations

Boca Systemic Family  Constellations, Relationships Resolutions, Coaching & Counseling, Emotional Healing, Effective( Non-violent) Communication

www.LifesHiddenTruths.com

“I‘ve never met you….” When the absence of presence is felt..
A Holocaust history in Constellation perspective

When, because of war or other disasters, many family members are killed or perished,  surviving members can often ‘feel’ their absence even though they have never met. Family Constellations show that identification can occur with one or more dead family members quite unexpectedly. We are all part of a so called ‘Family-Soul’; an intelligence which encompasses the evolution and nature of the family over the generations.
Those who belong to a particular Family Soul are the children, parents and their siblings, grandparents, great grandparents and so on, including anyone who has been excluded from this family system (i.e. rejected members who were called ’bad’, former spouses, stillborn and aborted children).When we bring them back into the system by acknowledging and honoring them, we see that Constellations are a very effective way to restore harmony in any family. Sometimes, family members who haven’t talked to each other for years suddenly call soon after a constellation.
Also, constellations can provide clarity and healing for a tremendous variety of issues in only a few minutes.

She looks at me, a bit insecurely. “I don’t know if this makes any sense to you.”
“Well, try!” I say.
Michal sighs deeply and begins to talk.” I have a strange feeling that all of the people in my family who died in the Holocaust have an influence on me today. I often feel depressed, and I don’t know why. My mother’s sister was killed in the Holocaust along with her 5 children, and another sister died in an accident when she was a kid. I am named after my grandmother, who perished too. The story in my family is that she was a great, wonderful person. I actually would like to look more closely into that side of my family.”

When Family Constellations begin, we start by setting up the family of origin. The client will choose people from the audience to represent their family members. They have no previous information about the client, and are requested to participate with ‘absolutely blank minds’ creating a ‘morpho-energetic-field.’ The miracle is that doors are opened to a hidden dimension of inner images and unspoken statements. Over and over again, Constellations consistently reveal profound and lasting benefits for the participants and loved ones. Surprisingly enough, the healing processes takes place on the soul-level, yet the results show in people, even when they are not present.

“Choose representatives for you, your grandmother, the aunt with five children, and the aunt who died in an accident, as well as your grandmother”

Michal puts the aunt with her children very close together. They all look down. When the grandmother is set up in front of her daughter, she becomes very unstable, her body convulses as if she is crying silently.
“Go to your daughter and all of your grandchildren and touch them, one by one.Michal,you do the same” I say. They all embrace each other in silence. “Now take your granddaughter by the hand and bow to your relatives, both of you, in front of all of them, with one bow.”
The grandmother hesitates. “One deep bow. You start…” (to grandmother). Grandmother and Michal bow deeply and slowly. The room becomes very tensed. “Now Michal, look at them and tell them ‘I am one of you’.” Michal does. “Look at them. Now straighten up, look at them very clearly, and say: ‘I’ll carry on’.” Michal is hesitating. “Say it. Look them in their eyes and say: ‘I’ll carry on’.” Michal, deeply moved, whispers: ”I’ll continue to live.”
I ask Michal to repeat after me, “I’ll carry on in memory of you. Your death was not in vain.” Michal does n’t move, looks down and shakes her head. ”Tell them, look at them: ‘I’ll carry on’.” Michal shakes her head, no.
I approach the aunt, “Tell her- It is enough that we are dead.”

The aunt smiles suddenly. “It is enough that we are dead.” Michal covers her face and smiles. “Now, say it again, ‘I’ll carry on…I’ll carry on in remembrance of you, it’s enough that you are dead’.
“Look at your grandmother and say: ‘I’ll carry on’.” Michal does so. I ask the grandmother: “Do you want to tell her something?”
Grandmother whispers: “No”. To Michal: “Now stand with your back leaning against your aunt and look forward.”
“Do you have children?” Michal nods, smiles. “How many do you have?” “Five…”
”Now look at your relatives, and tell them I have five children.
Michal whispers:.. “I have also 5 children…”

The 5 children of the aunt smile. “Now turn around again, I’ll put five representatives for your children, and place them opposite you.
“Michal, tell your children “We’ll carry on with life”. Michal covers her eyes, laughing and crying at once…
”Now, go to your children”
I asked the audience if they can see how (the representatives of) the dead are changed after this, how the energy shifted. “That is  very important what we  see here.  The dead participate in the lives of the living, but only when they are seen and remembered. “

The audience appears very moved.. a genuine touch was felt..After a Constellation the representatives automatically immediately release all that does not belong to them, what they temporary took on in order to make the invisible visible…

The family-soul has its wounds and secrets that work their way through to many future generations, when not healed. The chil­dren, by being so loyal, often take over what does not belong to them. “I take it instead of you” or “I leave instead of you ”. With these types of entanglements, love cannot flow, it can disturb our lives and manifest in the form of sudden illnesses or accidents, depression, physical or mental illness, persistent relationships conflicts and dysfunction. Constellation is also used with different phenomenons and organizations.

Carla has been trained / certified with Dr Bert Hellinger in Europe, Academy for Eclectic Psychotherapy and with the Boston Constellation Approach. She has facilitated numerous constellations with groups and utilizes this work also in her private practice frequently 1 on 1, with adults and with children.

The Emperor’s New Drugs:

There are many ways to raise your vibration including: thinking positive and uplifting thoughts. What about antidepressants?

As a child did you listen to, or read, the story about the Emperor’s New Clothes? Fascinating, wasn’t it? Well, I found a courageous book entitled: The Emperor’s New Drugs, exploding the Antidepressant Myth.
Many of you know and believe in the power of the mind and positive thinking. Also, many of you know  that depressions can be part of Epigenetics, “inherited family traumas” as is so frequently evidenced in the systemic family constellation work.

Click on title to read entire post.In one session the depression can be released, often forever. That means that conscious -and subconscious levels entangle and intertwine. You can try to be positive till you become blue in the face yet still carry, deep down inside, a sense of depressive feelings.

Here’s what Irving Kirsch, PhD-psychologist, who for years had been referring his patients to psychiatrists for drugs, antidepressants,  wrote in his above mentioned book:

“The conventional view of depression is that it is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. The basis for that idea was the belief that antidepressant drugs were effective treatments. Our analyses showing that most – if not all – of the effects of these medications are really placebo effects challenges this widespread view of depression. In chapter 4 I examine the chemical-imbalance theory. You may be surprised that it is actually a rather controversial theory and that there is not much scientific evidence to support it”.
Globally sold prescribed antidepressants make it a $19-billion-a-year-industry.

Wow. The emperor really has nice new clothes!
Back to feeling depressed. Depressing thoughts create more of the same and attract the same vibrations. Everything in the universe is made of energy. What differentiates one form of energy from another is the speed at which it vibrates.

High vibrations equal positive energy and low vibrations equal negative energy. We human beings vibrate at different frequencies. Our thoughts and feelings can determine the frequency, at which we vibrate, and our vibration goes out into the world and so we can cause a positive shift in our lives by raising our vibrations.
By doing so, yes we need to clear and heal, our steps in personal growth. It is up to you!

A very interesting scientific conclusion is  that your  heart has an electro-magnetic field that extends 8 – 12 feet from your body in all directions, above, below, in front of you and to your sides. So, rather have  your heart filled with love than with anger!

Hidden loyalties and procastination

Everyone has hidden loyalties. This is such an important topic! I will share a little bit, and explain much more, in the upcoming workshop and video that will be posted on FB and YouTube.
We all have loyalties to our belief-systems, family members, siblings, ethnicities, nations, grandparents, to the suffering of our ancestors, or to groups of people we may be unaware of.
Loyalty, in and of itself, is an extremely important trait in relationships, but as family constellations reveals, it is often connected to self-sabotage. It starts with our loyalty to the ones who gave us life.
Today, so many women  live their passion and follow their dreams by creating their own businesses and offering wonderful services. They often live totally different lives then their mothers did. They have  more freedom of choices in many areas of life.
However, many times they are not where they would like to be financially .
They remain stuck in fear thinking such as ‘not-making/having-enough-money’, despite practicing all kinds of Law of Attraction and Client Attraction programs. Those programs ONLY work (really well) if the underlying belief systems and stored generational experiences are also cleared up.

Constellation work shows over and over again, how hidden loyalties are the cause of limitations in specific areas of life.
It may be difficult to be happier in your marriage, when your mother was not happy, or did not have a husband.  To be wealthier and more successful than your father ever was can become an obstacle for the son or daughter, of course the sabotage is predominantly subconscious.

The loyalty to belong, the desire to be unconditionally loved, as well as many more reasons, can block us in one or more areas. Let’s be clear: today it is a very popular to  talk about “clearing blocks”. But first you have to know WHERE those blocks are coming from, and WHY they exist.
Peel off the layers of our systems, like peeling an onion.
Want to know more?
Do you want to get clarity WHY things are the way they show up in your life, or your child’s, or partner’s life?

COME TO A WORKSHOP OR  BOOK A  15 MINUTE FREE SESSION: http://carlavanwalsum.com/services1/

 

 

NO LABELS FOR DIVORCE PLEASE!

Eight years ago I divorced without a lawyer. To ease the difficulties  I used energy psychology tools which really helped. Because there were 3 children involved, there was a mandatory 3 hour mediation session. A very nice and capable woman, also psychologist, showed up and we all were pleased how the session went. A little while ago I bumped into her at a party and I said: “You know, everything turned out so well, my ex and I have a very cordial relationship  and the children are doing great and do not have any significant emotional scars or issues as a result from the divorce whatsoever.”  She paused, and looked deep into my eyes and said “Carla,… they ALWAYS get scarred by divorce”. I answered “No , that is called LIFE!”
Difficult life experiences  are opportunities for growth and  learning  that enrich and strengthen us. These experiences shape us to be better people. We can choose to heal that victim feeling.
The tendency to label every issue as a disorder or disease bothers me. The DSM V (Diagnostic Statistic Manual)  is thicker than ever. I totally don’t deny there are many real mental diseases, of course there are.

However, identifying everything with labels free the path to take a pill instead of looking for other solutions. It makes you victim of a situation.
It degrades human capacity to overcome life-events. It becomes: “My depression” (you own it!)  instead of: “I’m having feelings of depression and I’m going to work on it.”
“I AM depressed” and “MY depression” is telling your subconscious  that that is who you are. It’s keeping you stuck. The conscious and subconscious mind influence our state of well-being. It is better to say: “I have feelings of depression and I am getting better and better everyday.” “I am willing to find any possible way to feel happier”.

In my bereavement group where people face at the end of their lives severe loss of a lifelong partner, a situation where it is not easy to find new purpose and hope, often they refuse any psychotropic drugs and say: “I have to live with it. I am working on it”. I am often very impressed with the personal strength and courage that is showing up. Some open up to spiritual viewpoints they hadn’t done fore a lifetime. They focus on gratitude, on blessings, on taking steps to make new friends. They feel that medication is dis-empowering them. And think about it, medication numbs your feelings, but also compassion and conscience! Practicing compassion for self and others is a helpful tool to feel better and doesn’t work with heavily medicated people.
A label  shows just a small part of who we are.

Feeling depressed is an opportunity to step into ones power, and be the CAUSE instead of the EFFECT.  Of course some depressions require medication. But hearing how many Americans talk, the advertisements on TV,  I can’t help but compare with Europe, where people rarely use medication for simple mental issues.
To get to a better place means to choose different thoughts. In addition to that, (thinking positive is never wrong!) it is also important to check if there are no transferred generational traumas that play a part. A depression can belong to the suffering of (one of) your ancestors. Energy Psychology, Family Constellations offer such effective ways to obtain information from what is stored in our sub-conscious, and often create the shift and release. Want to know more? You can do it privately, schedule a session  or join us at our Next workshop!

Do you worry?

 

• Are you willing to stop worrying about what the world wants from you and willing to make it your job and your life purpose to fully live, love and feel every precious moment of your life? (Not easy, right?)
• Did you ever realize that “worrying” is a HABIT, most often inherited from your family? Imagine, your ancestors might have experienced extreme violence, even for centuries. Then they moved to the USA to be free. Today your family lives in a relatively safe situation. But the habit of worrying can still exist. Even if there’s nothing to worry about.
• Do you realize that by living in  FEAR  your stamina gets low, your immune system is negatively effected and your serotonin productivity is inhibited?

If you are one of those “worriers”, here are some tips. Challenge yourself with questions. “Is it really necessary to worry about this?” “What am I achieving by doing so?” “How would I feel if I would let go of all those thoughts that don’t serve me but stress me out?”
Rebuild TRUST. In our science based way of thinking, TRUST is a vague energy that we cannot “prove”. Only with metaphysical concepts can this be understood.
But most of us KNOW that TRUST is FELT. It is a feeling, an energy that makes us thrive. A relationship without TRUST is over. Or at least the positive part of it is. Without TRUST in our abilities we cannot thrive. And actually one of the most effective and simple phrases that soothes fear for all ages and in many situations, is “ALL IS WELL”.
These 3 words help to calm the energy around and within you. When in fear, don’t take action. Clear your thoughts, and choose deliberately other thoughts. Empower yourself!

Trusting all is well within your world,

 I have never met you…When the presence of absence is felt. A Holocaust Constellation

I have never met you…When the presence of absence is felt. A Family Constellation/Holocaust

When because of war or other disasters many family members are killed or perished, the family members who survived, even though they might have never met the others, can often feel the absence of their presence. Family Constellations show that, unexpectedly, identification can occur with one or more dead family members. We all are part of a so-called ‘Family-Soul’; a sort of collective consciousness, an intelligence that encompasses the evolution and nature of the family over several generations. A different way of saying is that clinical psychology science shows that traumas can reverberate through approximately 7 generations.

Those who belong to the Family Soul are the children, parents and their siblings, (great) grandparents, and anyone who has been excluded from the family system ( i.e. excluded, rejected members who were called ’bad’, former spouses, stillborn and aborted children).When we bring them back into the system by acknowledging and honoring them, we see that Constellations are a very effective way to restore harmony in the family. Members who didn’t talk to each other for years, suddenly call  a few days after a constellation.

Even brief constellations, can provide clarity in a wide  variety of issue, often within  a few minutes.. 

She looks at me, a bit insecure. “I don’t know if this makes sense to you” “Well, try!” I say. Sivan sighs deeply and begins to talk..”I have kind of feeling that all the people in my family who died in the Holocaust have an influence on how I am. I feel often depressed, and I don’t know why.  My mother’s sister was killed in the Holocaust along with 5 children, and another sister died in an accident  when she was a young child. My grandparents too, my three uncles and their families. I am named after my grandmother who perished too. She was very loved and appreciated by my family. I actually would like to look closer into that side of my family.”

When we start to constellate a family, we usually begin with the family of origin, the parents of the client, grandparents, siblings. We choose people from the audience, who don’t have any information about the client, and are required to be “put their mind on blank”   as they will represent family members in the Constellation.  How it works? You must experience it to understand, if you are not a biologist. This work has access to the nigger picture of our subconscious. It is phenomenal to see that doors are opening to a hidden dimension of inner images and unknown information, often offering the key to resolution and relief.  Over and over again Constellations consistently reveal profound and lasting material benefiting for the participants and loved ones. Surprisingly, the healing processes and the results shown are far-reaching in the family.

“Choose representatives for you, your grandmother, the aunt with five children, and the aunt who died in an accident and your grandmother.” Sivan puts the aunt with her children very close together. They all look down, which means in a constellation that they look at dead people or a grave. When the grandmother is set up in front of her daughter, she becomes very unstable, her body convulses as if she is crying silently. “ Go to your daughter and all of your grandchildren and touch them, one by one. You too, Sivan, do the same.”

They all embrace each other in silence. ”Now take your granddaughter by the hand and bow to your relatives, both of you, in front of all of them, with one bow.”

Grandmother hesitates. “One deep bow. You take the lead .” (to grandmother). Grandmother and Sivan bow deeply and slowly. “Now look at them, and tell them: “I am one of you”. Sivan is doing that.

“Look at them… Now straighten up, look at them very clearly, and say: “I’ll carry on.” “I am so sorry for what happened to you. I carry on in honor of your name and spirit.”

Sivan closes her eyes and breathes deeply. “Sivan…please … Look them in the eyes and say: “I’ll carry on”. Sivan, deeply moved: ”I’ll continue to live.” ”I’ll carry on in memory of you.” Sivan looks down and shakes her head. ”Tell them, look at them: “I’ll carry on.” Sivan shakes her head, “No, I cannot…”

Then I ask  the aunt  to say to Sivan:  “It is enough that we are dead. You are alive…Honor your live…”

The aunt smiles spontaneously. “It is enough that we are dead.” Sivan covers her face, smiles and tears are flowing. “Now, say it again; I’ll carry on” “I’ll carry on in remembrance of you, it’s enough that you are dead. I’ll make my life ” “Look at your grandmother and say: I’ll carry on’.

Sivan is speaking those words very softly. I ask the grandmother: “Do you want to tell her something?”

Grandmother whispers: “No”. To Sivan: “Now stand with your back leaning against your aunt and look forward.”

“Do you have children?” Sivan nods, smiles. “How many do you have?” “Five.” 

”Now look at them, and tell them; ”I have five children.”

She is doing that. The children of the aunt smile. “Now turn around again, I’ll put five representatives for your children, and I’ll place them opposite of you.”

“Sivan, tell your children: ”We’ll carry on with life”. Sivan, covers her eyes, laughing and crying at once… ”Now, go to your children”…

I asked the audience if they can see how the dead are changed after this, how different the energy feels in the room. “That is very important. The dead participate in the lives of the living, but only when they are seen, honored or remembered.”

“May I leave it here?” Sivan nods and smiles…  Conclusion: usually after  a session like this the client notices a shift and relief. Feelings of depression and attachment to the trauma seem to change dramatically for the better.

 

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Epigenetics/Cheating

Generational Patterns /Transferred Traumas/Epigenetics

“My husband sometimes cheats on me, he says that he really loves me and doesn’t want to divorce, and it just drives me crazy!” Linda looked at me with deep sadness. “Did he lose a parent at a young age?”  This is usually the first question I ask with these kind of matters. Why? Because as Bert Hellinger (Hellinger 2001) so greatly explained, “when a child loses a parent, he is not strong enough to bear the grief and sadness. Instead the child reacts with anger.“  Anger can be seen as aggression as well.  The message that the child gets is also that of “If s/he really loved me s/he would have stayed. “
 A young child doesn’t have a true understanding of what death or even loss through divorce means.  As a result, they take these events personally.  
 “Yes!” Linda said, “He was four years old when his dad died in a car accident. And his mom died three years later of an illness…at the same age her own mom died.” 
 I believe that the response of a child can be that they subconsciously make the decision to not love deeply again in order to avoid getting hurt. In general, humans are afraid of pain. A closed heart is the result. Yet, the desire for love and being loved is a human force, but often is enmeshed with fear for loss or rejection. That impacts future intimate relationships.
 The method I use can bring light to where the “cheating” behavior is emanating from.  Is it a one generational problem or a pattern from ancestors? Or does it have other personality-related roots?

Art: Irene Muller Schoof

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The impact of past generations

To ponder about:

What could be the impact on a person who lost 80 or 100+ family members by murder, even when he or she never met them? The family has a subconscious, or collective conscious field that contains the data of life-experiences, good and bad.  In addition to that, clinical psychology science shows that traumas are stored in the Limbic brain for up to 7 generations.

Did you know that world wide, in many Jewish families who somewhere are connected to what happened in the Holocaust, have a child(ren), grandchild(ren)with not explainable reasons for feelings of depression, anxieties, anger or strange illnesses.

Trauma carries on, reverberates through generations. Its like negative energy that needs to be brought to peace. The soul has many faces.

The method I use can help to disentangle and disconnect from that burden.

 An opportunity for learning compassion…

With his grandmother, 9 Year old Jimmy came for a session to my office.  I was the last therapist to try before they would put Jimmy on medication for ADHD and hyperactivity. Grandma was the caretaker for Jimmy and his sister because their parents were divorced and unable to take care of their children. Grandma spoke very negatively about her ex-daughter in law. “She‘s a horrible mother, a drug addict. She’s not even paying child-support.”  Jimmy looked away while she spoke. For me the task was to elicit some empathy from grandmother for Jimmy’s mother, who was seemingly immersed in her own problems. Being addicted to drugs never occurs because of happy reasons. Grandma was not open to hear any other vision than her own.
I asked Jimmy to “map his family” with colored footprints he would choose from, and to put them in the open space on the floor that we call “the field”. Spontaneously he put the footprints wherever he felt like. He chose a pair of footprints for himself, his mother, father, sister and grand- parents. We added the dog too.  I asked Jimmy  to put shapes that are representing feelings next to the footprints , where ever he would feel comfortable .  Those feelings would then  be seen as belonging to the footprints of that person. Jimmy put next to everyone  “love” but not for himself. He put “sadness” to his mother’s footprints and also to his own. He put “anger” next to his father’s prints.
The mapping shows the inner picture of how Jimmy perceives his family and ultimately his world. He was obviously feeling lonely, disconnected from his parents, but supported by grandparents, and had no love for himself (!).
The way he positioned his own feet showed a deep longing for his mother. It became clear how he was connected to his mother, which was with sadness and pain. He peeked from the corners of his eyes to his grandmother, almost afraid of what she would think from all this and he saw that she was tearing up. This picture made her realize that it is detrimental for the boy when she speaks negatively about his mother. His feelings need to be respected. Even a troubled mother wants to be loved by the child, and deserves respect for wherever and whatever she is going through.  Most importantly, regardless of the situation, the child will love his mother. The child needs to have positive feelings about his parents., which can be very difficult and conflicting. Tearing natural family ties apart can cause restlessness and depression. It is our judging that can hurt others so much.  One session seemed to be enough to have Jimmy‘s behavior change.  The need for medication was gone.

The green footprints are from Jimmy, yellow and blue the grandparents, dark pink the dad (left corner beneath), yellow in the upper left corner; the mom. The pink circles symbolize “love”, the purple circles “sadness”. Red square: anger

 

http://carlavanwalsum.com/create-harmony-in-your-life-family-family-constellations/

DID YOU KNOW?

What makes you feel better? When you give to or receive from others? If you feel uncomfortable receiving from others, voila! That is a red flag. Most of us are raised in a belief-system that validates “givers” much more than “receivers”, regardless if its about love and care or money.
This is ironic because if nobody is able to receive, the givers are deprived from feeling good. Bottom line: if we validate “receiving” so much less, than we make the receiver feel less worthy, possibly guilty, or even helpless. Some people give in order to receive appreciation and validation. The question here is, is this giving from the heart or filling an emptiness… 
Most of my clients score very high on the enjoyment of “giving” and quite low on “receiving”. Writing the check for rent or mortgage is for many givers a hard thing to do. That is very meaningful!
At the other end of the spectrum are the ones who love to receive and do not give so much. Usually, those do not have the happiest relationships…
Yes, there needs to be a balance. Giving and receiving must be equal. The happiest and most successful people score high in both, whether it is with love, care, or money.
Interestingly enough, it is not only our personality or upbringing that
determines how we function but our collective conscious and our family consciousness also play an important role. Patterns are trans-generational on a conscious or subconsciousness level. Today, many women live their passions and dreams in life and work. If “giving and receiving” is not in balance, forget about being successful.
Would like to know more and change how conscious and sub-conscious patterns, epigenetics, trans-generational heritage influence our lives, work and relationships today?
Then join us and sign up for this workshop now:
“Create Harmony in Your Life and Family”

A DEADLY HABIT IN…

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