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Posts tagged ‘adoption’

THE SOUND OF COMPASSION

Last night I learned about the sound of compassion. How does compassion sound?  Before you start to laugh or think critically you might consider doing what Einstein did. He declared that everything is energy. Having said that, we squeeze our minds to try to imagine what that really means. It’s very abstract, right? Not easy to do in a society where validation primarily is given to the perceivable world. Anyway, very old wisdom written down in one of the books of the Zohar (Kabbalah) teaches us that the “Aaaaahhhh” sound, felt in the chest by focusing on the heart and chest, has a level of vibration that creates compassion. You just put your hand on your heart and feel it.

From Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer I learned that Shaaaaahhh… is the sound of creation. So that indicates that Ahhh: “compassion” is an integral part of Shaaaahhh. To chant that sound is a great start of the day. Ending the day with Ommmmmm which means gratitude is really lifting up your energy.
Practicing gratitude is a habit that clears negativity and opens up to the state of manifesting our wishes and dreams. Together it hears as: Shaaa-l-ooom which means peace. So this word shalom encompasses the concepts: Creation, Compassion, Gratitude and Peace.

twin pic Compassion practiced intentionally is a very powerful tool. Compassion can be learned. Really. People who do not have compassion usually have a mindset that is filled with inhibiting, negative beliefs, have been raised among detrimental circumstances or have certain mental disorders.
Compassion is a combination of Observation (clean judgment, not criticism) and Unconditional Love.

The power of intention is sufficient to make it work. Focus your mindset, your energy, and voila, it’s felt by the other. We are used to say: “I send you my love, regards, best wishes.” That saying probably stems from a time there was more consciousness about energy in our lives and language. When you feel wronged, hurt or experience other negative feelings, so characteristic in relationships; be compassionate with yourself. Self-compassion is one of the emotional healing tools that is really effective.

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What to do with anger? Heartbased Parenting

Being a parent is not the easiest job but one that can give and teach you a lot if you are ready to learn about yourself and the world. One of the most interesting things I observed is that every parent I meet has that innate trust that he/ she KNOWS what is good parenting. Many parents have as well a deep insecurity that is not easily shown, but by looking closer  clearly reaches the surface.

“It takes a village to raise a child” shows how important the loving wisdom of others can be of support, not the criticism that is so often experienced. Don’t you know those adults who mention that their childhood wasn’t a happy one, they experienced at least one of the parents as tough or abusive, and they had to do a lot of work in therapy to heal and let go of the painful impact and memories. If you meet then the parent(s) of this person they speak very confident about what a great parent they were, because they really liked how their child turned out!

Having that said I am concluding that there are not so many  people who are REALLY happy in this world,  as a result of what was missing and lacking in their education. Heartbased, lovebased parenting was certainly not a general habit. One of the reasons is that traumas and dramatic events occurring in past generations could cause the flow of love in the family to stop. How often do I hear: my mother didn’t love me. The systemic family constellations show often where the entanglement stems from. Healing is then key and often the results are mind blowing and shifting patterns.

The greatest gift we can give our children is  acceptance for who they really are. Unfortunately criticism and punishment is a widely spread way of educating and giving the opposite message. Its just negative and we overrate the impact of environment in the outcome. Fear-based education combined with projection consciously and subconsciously from own traumas and trans-generational traumas are custom.

A high divorce rate is not to blame the divorcees for easily giving  up what seems to be a general saying. No, it is simply because people lack means of how to find happiness and how to handle it if they find it. The shelves with Self-Help books are overloaded. We simply don’t stay for the wrong reasons. But do we know the right ones?

Step 1 is to be loving and kind without judgment. Appreciation for what is and for how anyone appears. Insight of ones own feelings and needs. Compassionate attitude instead of an angry frustrated response. Compassion is an excellent answer on anger. Parenting is about YOU as a parent, how you feel, how you appreciate yourself. healing and releasing your own stuff. Seeing the limitations of your parents as a result of where they came from.
Always connect to what is below the anger, when your child explodes, certainly after checking environmental factors.

If you are more concerned about being treated respectfully by your child and you punish him for expressing frustration not according your standards, then ask yourself: “How do I react when I am angry or frustrated? What do I teach my child? What role model am I?” can we expect a child to handle his emotions better then we do as an adult?2-201_sad_teen_girl_d_b-1024x682

Also, what food is your child getting? Sugar, coloring can be of incredible influence to behavior. I mean, the correlation between eating a mountain of sugar and difficult uncontrollable behavior is just high! Lately I recommended in my practice a parent of a 6-year old hyper active daughter to buy natural snacks without added sugar or additives. She was eating cookies and all kind of sugary snacks after school. Lunch in school is around 11am. Snack time is after school and then the family goes out for diner at 6.  No peaceful  family diner at home, cooked with care and love… Noisy restaurants instead.

Seven hours at least between lunch and diner. That is much too long.

Can you believe that in many elementary schools in Florida candies are given for rewarding “good behavior or grades?” And that in the same schools often recess is taken away??? Is there anybody out there who does not KNOW that children need to move and not put on a chair for hours without physical activity? In Holland children have recess every one and a half hour. Wednesday afternoon off after 12 pm. Play-time… Children deserve a childhood. Childhood means a stress-free play world. It prepares them for a better future.

Read in my next blog the research I am doing about anger and family dynamics in several generations.
WWW.CARLAVANWALSUM.COM

Do you think this is true?

happy fam

 If the Mayan’s were right in their calculations, then 12-21-12 is a magical day. They didn’t continue their calendar after this date, however we do! Though, the meaning could be the announcement of the destruction of “the old world” where people were fighting, judging, humiliating, hurting, alienating. It marks the start of a “new era”: the uplifting of consciousness to create a more compassionate world with the mass intention to focus on joy, love, authenticity, beauty, trust and healing.  
Whatever beliefs you may hold about this date, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is the power of the positive choices everyone can make every day. Choices are like the sprouts of the seeds rooted in soil. The soil however, needs to be rich and healthy for the best results. Soil and soul differ just one letter. What they have in common is that they need to be healthy. As you know, part of our soul is our  subconscious and unconscious mind which contains all the collected data of our past, even the memories of our family for several generations. Clinical psychology Research shows that traumatic events are stored in the limbic brain for three generations.   However, the past is over, being in the Now is a great way to live. It is even greater to get rid of disturbing Thoughts and feelings (based on the past) that don’t serve you well. What you focus on expands.
If you are open to take the opportunity to start with a clean slate for a new beginning, then below you’ll find my exciting 12-21-12 offer: for the first FIVE responses 50% off a PRIVATE hour  session in Person or on Skype.
  NOT $127 BUT ONLY: $63.50
  Use your session to uplift your life:

“I am connected to you, but I‘ve never met you…” When the presence of absence is felt… A Holocaust history as shown in a Constellation perspective

“I am connected to you, but I‘ve never met you…”  When the  presence of absence is felt…  A Holocaust history as shown in a Constellation perspective. ( N0, not about stars!)

http://www.CarlaVanWalsum.com   Boca Raton, Florida

When, because of war or other disasters, many family members are killed or perished, surviving members can often ‘feel’ their absence even though they have never met. Family Constellations show that identification can occur with one or more dead family members quite unexpectedly. We are all part of a so called ‘Family-Soul’; an intelligence which encompasses the evolution and nature of the family over the generations.

Those who belong to a particular Family Soul are the children, parents and their siblings, grandparents, great grandparents and so on, including anyone who has been excluded from this family system (i.e. rejected members who were called ’bad’, former spouses, stillborn and aborted children).When we bring them back into the system by acknowledging and honoring them, we see that Constellations are a very effective way to restore harmony in any family. Sometimes, family members who haven’t talked to each other for years suddenly call soon after a constellation.
Also, constellations can provide clarity and healing for a tremendous variety of issues in only a few minutes.

She looks at me, a bit insecurely. “I don’t know if this makes any sense to you.”
“Well, try!” I say.
Michal sighs deeply and begins to talk.” I have a strange feeling that all of the people in my family who died in the Holocaust have an influence on me today. I often feel depressed, and I don’t know why. My mother’s sister was killed in the Holocaust along with her 5 children. So are 2 brothers with their families from my father’s side. I am named after my grandmother, who perished too. The story in my family is that she was a great, wonderful person. I actually would like to look more closely into that side of my family.”

When Family Constellations begin, we start by setting up the family of origin. The client will choose people from the audience to represent their family members. They have no previous information about the client, and are requested to participate with ‘absolutely blank minds’. By doing so,   a ‘morpho-genetic-field’  emerges, a field that contains the collected data of the family legacy. The miracle is that doors are opened to a hidden dimension of inner images and often unknown, unspoken issues.  When scars of the past are not healed, that energy tend to reverberate to future generations. Over and over again, Constellations consistently reveal profound and lasting benefits for the participants and loved ones. Surprisingly enough, the healing processes take place on  soul-level, yet the results are shown in people, even when they are not present.

“Choose representatives for you, your grandmother, the aunt with five children.”

Michal puts the aunt with her 5 children very close together. They all look down. When the grandmother is set up in front of her daughter, she becomes very unstable, her body convulses as if she is crying silently. A strong emotion is felt.
“Go to your daughter and all of your grandchildren and touch them, one by one. ..Michal, please do the same and look them in the eyes.”  They all embrace each other in silence. “Now take your granddaughter by the hand and bow to your relatives, both of you, in front of all of them, with one bow.”
The grandmother hesitates.  Continue to breathe deeply!  “One deep bow. ” Michal sighs deeply, and cannot look at them. She walks away, telling she cannot look at them. I gently bring Michal back. “Please, look at them!” Michal walks back.

Grandmother and Michal bow deeply and slowly. The ro m becomes very tensed. “Now Michal, look at them and tell them ‘I am one of you’.” Michal does. “Look at them. Now straighten up, look at them very clearly, and say: ‘I’ll carry on’.” Michal is hesitating. “Say it. Look them in their eyes and say: ‘I’ll carry on’.” Michal, deeply moved, whispers: ”I’ll continue to live.”
I ask Michal to repeat after me, “I’ll carry on in memory of you. Your death was not in vain. ” Michal does n’t move, looks down and shakes her head. ”Tell them, look at them: ‘I’ll carry on’.” Michal shakes her head, no.
“Tell her-…It is enough that we are dead.”

“It is enough that we are dead.” Michal covers her face, cries and smiles. “Now, say it again, ‘I’ll carry on…I’ll carry on in remembrance of you, it’s enough that you are dead’.
“Look at your grandmother and say: ‘I’ll carry on’.” Michal does so. I ask the grandmother: “Do you want to tell her something?”
Grandmother whispers: “No”. To Michal: “Now stand with your back leaning against your aunt and look forward.”
“Do you have children?” Michal nods, smiles. “How many do you have?” “Five…”
”Now look at your relatives, and tell them I have five children.
Michal whispers:.. “I have also 5 children…”

The 5 children of the aunt smile and look friendly at Michal. “Now turn around again, I’ll put five representatives for your children, and place them opposite you.
“Michal, tell your children “We’ll carry on with life”. Michal covers her eyes… seems unable to speak.
”Now, go to your children”
I asked the audience if they can see how the facial expressions and energies  (the representatives of)  ”the  dead’ are changed after this, how the energy shifted. “That is very important what we see here. The dead participate in the lives of the living,  When we acknowledge them, honor them and give them a place, the dynamics  shift.  It is als known as kind of ‘survivors guilt’.  But the burden of the loss and murdering of so many family members is very tangible and manifest itself often as depressions, strange accidents, and not being able to take life fully.  “

The audience appears very moved.. a genuine touch was felt..After a Constellation the representatives automatically immediately release all that does not belong to them, what they temporary took on in order to make the invisible visible…Thats how the forces of the Morphogenetic fields, or Epigenetics, work.

The family soul has its wounds and secrets that work their way through to many future generations, when not healed. The chil­dren, by being so loyal, often take over what does not belong to them. “I take it instead of you” or “I leave instead of you ”. With these types of entanglements, love cannot flow, it can disturb our lives and manifest in the form of sudden illnesses or accidents, depression, physical or mental illness, persistent relationships conflicts and dysfunction. Constellation is also used with different phenomenons and organizations. Clinical Psychology science shows that trauma’s are stored in the limbic brain for at least 3 generations. We can conclude that to heal our pasts is imperative for a happy life.

Carla has been trained/certified with Dr Bert Hellinger in Europe, the Dutch Hellinger Institute,  Academy for Eclectic Psychotherapy and with the Boston Constellation Approach. She has facilitated numerous constellations with groups and utilizes this work also in her private practice in Florida,  phone sessions, privately  1 on 1, with adults and with children.
www.CarlaVanWalsum.com

Read my chapter in Allow Your Vision to Soar!

The Adoption Triad: Soul Searching, People Searching

The Adoption Triad: Hidden Truths Behind the Happy Ending           

The word adoption conjures joyful images of a new baby, dreams fulfilled and promises of a better life for baby. There are more than 1.5 million adoptees in the United States; adoption touches one in fifteen of us.  What few have had the courage to talk about until recently is that behind many “happy endings,” there are painful realities and souls in need of healing.

As the recent TV special “Dan Rather Reports: Adopted or Abducted?” explored, the adoption story rarely quite as simple or straightforward as it may first appear. The act of surrendering a baby is so primal that it brings up complex emotions for each member of the triad—birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees. There has traditionally been a veil of secrecy surrounding adoption; this is particularly true of adoptions that took place in the 50s, 60s and 70s. The circumstances and emotions around the conception, birth and surrender of the baby are often denied, buried or simply not discussed. If left unhealed, feelings of grief, unworthiness and longing can become part of the individual and tribal/family soul DNA, lasting a lifetime and even affecting future generations.

The birth mother may receive praise and feel deeply gratified for committing the ultimate loving, selfless act for her baby. At the same time, she may feel a mixture of fear, desperation, guilt, judgment, shame, and even coercion.  On an emotional level, a woman is told, and often comes to believe, that she is undeserving of her child because she is unmarried, economically unstable or simply because the natural father walks away. Not an easy burden for a young woman to carry.

For the adoptive parent, there is elation and gratitude upon receiving a much-anticipated bundle of joy. However, the adoption often comes after suffering grief, self-doubt and pain if they were not able to have their own biological child.  They may be reluctant to admit that they have doubts about how their family will accept and bond with the child or if he may have psychological or medical issues. They often have harsh judgments about the birth mother, which are inevitably felt by the child.

Even when adoptees have had a happy and loving childhood, most have lingering questions about their heritage and the circumstance surrounding their birth. At the soul level, it is a very difficult thing to feel like one has been “given away,” no matter the circumstances. Adoptees often develop a deep-seated fear of abandonment, a numbing of emotions or an inability to fully accept love in their relationships.

Truly making peace with adoption
and its influence in ones life may involve Soul Searching, People Searching or both.

 

 

People Searching: There are many heartwarming reunion stories about a birth mom and child finding each other, sharing an immediate recognition and bond, and developing a lifelong loving relationship. Many other searches are fraught with frustration, brick walls, repeated rejection or finding out some not-so-nice details about the birth mother’s life situation. The decision to search must be made with eyes and heart open, willingness to accept that it may be an emotional roller coaster and acceptance for a variety of possible outcomes. Many people find searching necessary to their healing; others choose to focus attention inwardly.

Research shows that the vast majority of birth mothers do want to be found and that nearly all adoptees who search are glad they did. This is true even if what they find is less than ideal, or if the birth family does not wish to pursue a personal relationship with the adoptee. In many cases, the pain is too deep for an adoptee and birth mother to bond, but meaningful connections are made with extended family members. In my opinion, it is almost always better to find answers; I believe that it is  every adoptee’s birthright to have access to this information.

Soul Searching: So what is the best way to heal the emotional wounds surrounding adoption? In my fifteen-plus years as a mental health professional specializing in the adoption triad, I have seen incredible healing and growth for all members of the adoption triad, through a variety of techniques. Some of the most powerful healing results come from applying Epigenetics and Systemic Family Constellation.

Systemic Family Constellation is hugely popular in Europe and is becoming increasingly well known in the U.S. I had the honor of studying this work directly under its founder, Dr. Bert Hellinger. I am both a seasoned facilitator and a personal fan of this work.  In hundreds of cases, I have seen fascinating results in detecting energetic connections and discovering hidden loyalties and trauma within a family soul group. This work taps into the larger family soul energy, supporting its innate ability to clear blockages, balance energy and very quickly bring about quantum healing and joy in my clients’ lives.

Learn more at www.lifeshiddentruths.com/services or attending the upcoming workshop “Adoption: Soul Searching and People Searching” on June 9th.

Teaching Children compassion..

 If the world would suddenly be a compassionate one, how different would it be…
 
The strongest desire most parents have for their children is that they will be successful in life. The true understanding of success lies in who we are, not in what we do. Finding life’s purpose and doing what makes you really happy, automatically connects you to the essence of your being, your spirit, and your source. To integrate our spirit with an unconditionally loving, trust based, energy force in our mind, heart and belief system, allows clear choices to emerge and prosperity to abound in all life’s area’s. In a world where so much confusion and anger/ violence is present, vital answers can be found in the roll of conscious parenting. It is a blessing for a child to have parents to look up to, who respect the child for who (s)he is. Give respect, thou shall receive the same…make corrections with love, firm and clear, and the safety of boundaries is felt.
It is also a blessing to recieve compassion, as a way to learn to be compassionate. To create awareness about compassion is by being non-judgmental about others.  Wright and wrong statements are not loving, and certainly not compassionate. To learn to respect, to understand and to embrace our differences we learn to enjoy the variety of mankind. That is empowering children ( and adults!) and encouraging  them to bring the best out of themselves. Yes, that is part of a compassionate personailty!
The world as we know it, has always been violent in many ways. Today we have more awareness of that violence as a result of the easy exchange of information and broadcasting. Our tasks, intentions and focus must be on deliberately and intentionally creating a world where our children feel safe , cherished, supported and happy.  In the meantime , that is a great way to learn about compassion.
This is part of Carla Van Walsums very successful  ‘Happy Children, Happy Home Workshops ©’ and ‘The 7 Essentials for a Happy Family.’
 
Start now in February and March in:  the Red Tent, Delray Beach and Delmar Arts Academy in Ft Lauderdale. (Early birds reduction)
Carla Van Walsum  Ph.D LSHC is the owner of Transpersonal Counseling, LLC:  a Holistic Practice for Couples,  Families and Children. She works with groups and private sessions

Systemic Family Constellations:

 “Carla’s constellation workshop is moving, powerful, and healing on multi-dimensional levels simultaneously, enabling healing to occur in the past, present, and future timelines. Sunday’s event (10/26) will be amazing! I look forward to seeing you there.” Linda K.

                                                              

“ Boca Raton: Constellation Approach” Transpersonal-Counseling, LLC 

 Wouldn’t it be nice if your world could change in an instant?       A magic box that opens and all is well? It  sounds  too much to  promise,  but you are invited to tap  into the world of a deeply profound and grounded European famous method called: Systemic  Family Constellations ( Dr. Bert Hellinger) and you will  see miracles unfolding.  This   work succeeds by diminishing the unconscious impulses that produces unwanted, destructive behaviors. With astonishing specificity individuals discover the root causes to their individual  problems (or their family members who do not need to be present)  and how these  nest within the field shaped by ancestral family trauma’s that are often frozen, opening up the problems into new solutions. During a constellation unexpected patterns are released,  opening up the minds with reverence for life, creating  compassion  for others. 

 We all are born into a family as  part of the “family soul”. When wounds/scars of the past generations are not healed, the future generation unconsciously may take on that burden, out of love and loyalty . 

 Wouldn’t it be nice if you finally understand  why : 

 your child seems distant towards you? 

· you cannot overcome your addictions? 

you feel gratitude for adoption but the resentment is predominant? 

 you are unsatisfied as a stay-at-home mom although it is your choice? 

 your health or finances suffer? 

 you  or your loved ones cannot come at peace with a divorce? 

· you cannot commit really in a  relationship ?you procrastinate in being successful? 

 your child overeats or has anorexia? 

 Every session begins with only one question: What is your issue?  And the answer can be anything considered urgent and described in a few sentences. 

 In an almost   silent   process  the constellation unfolds  within an hour  towards solutions.  

 90 % Of the participants report afterwards that the issue has been  eased or totally resolved. 

 Remember, Einstein said: “Everything is Energy”. 

 Aren’t we al yearning for deep fulfilling lives and relationships, for self actualization and a happier world, where our children will be free of burdens and enjoy the beauty of all that is? 

 Facilitated by Carla Van Walsum Ph.D c LSHC 

Carla has been trained and certified with Dr Bert Hellinger in Europe, the Dutch Hellinger Institute, Academy for Eclectic  Psychotherapy and with the Boston Constellation Approach. She has facilitated numerous constellations with groups and utilizes this work also in her private practice frequently 1on 1, with adults and with children. 

                            Next Workshop is:  

                   9-26-10       10 – 1 pm : the Red Tent 

                  10-24-10      10 – 1pm: the Red Tent 

                                       

                   20 S Swinton Delray Beach, Fl 33444 

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